falconridge
01-01-2011, 08:15 PM
For those who wouldn’t dream of ringing in any year without gorging themselves on a feast of slapstick antics, American Movie Classics has laid out a trencherman’s dream: an all-you-can-eat (or all-you-can-stand) buffet of The Three Stooges™—everything from AAM (Amalgamated Association of Morons [Local 6 7/8]), a labor union established for the express purpose of protecting professional pie-pitchers; to the Zero Ice & Coal Co., a Stooge-owned enterprise specializing in domestic climate control (cf. “An Ache in Every Stake” [1941]).* Before we belly up to the bar, however, it were best that we recognize and scrupulously observe what Robert Kurson, preeminent Stooge scholar and part-time pachinko machine repairman, has codified, in his monumental The Official Three Stooges™ Encyclopedia: the Ultimate Knucklehead’s Guide to Stoogedom (Chicago: Contemporary Books; © 1998), as Immutable Stooge Laws. Ignore these (as inviolable as any of Sir Isaac Newton’s) at your peril, for even the tiniest breach exposes the parallel universe that prevails on Planet Stooge to any and all manner of non-Stoogean chaos (e.g., Stooge-launched whipped-cream missiles failing to find the kissers of Symona Boniface, Bud Jamison, or Vernon Dent).
Consider if you will, fellow Stoogeniks, these Immutable Stooge Laws governing the care and handling of ammunition, firearms, and other weaponry:
“Immutable Stooge Law #29: Bullets fired carelessly into the sky will always hit and drop a succulent turkey, duck, or other ready-to-eat delicacy at the Stooges’ feet.” (Gurson, p. 97; cf. “Back to the Woods” [1937: Curly’s clumsy discharge of his old English muzzleloader delivers a prize tom] and “Boobs in Arms” [1940], wherein the Lads, during what should have been a routine manual-of-arms drill at army boot camp, inadvertently empty their government-issue rifles, serendipitously scoring three on-the-wing mallards.)
“Immutable Stooge Law #40: The Stooges will attempt to confirm that unloaded guns are indeed unloaded by pointing the barrel at vital parts of each other’s anatomy and pulling the trigger.” (op.cit., p. 114) –and its natural corollary …
“Immutable Stooge Law #41: All guns believed by the Stooges to be unloaded will be loaded. In Baby Sitters Jitters [1951], Shemp relies too heavily on a woman’s assurance that a pistol is empty and confidently pulls the trigger, leaving an unbecoming bullet trace along the scalp of a suddenly furious Moe.” (Ibid)
On human anatomy, physiognomy, and kinestheology:
“Immutable Stooge Law #18: After a Stooge’s foot is continuously twisted by Moe, that foot will unwind at dizzying speeds like an airplane propeller (various films).” (op. cit., p. 77)
On Stoogean mixology and other chemistry:
“Immutable Stooge Law #8: Cocktails mixed by the Stooges will smoke, flame, and burn holes in wooden tables, but will still be enjoyed by those who drink them.” (op. cit., pp. 59-60)
“Immutable Stooge Law #27: If there are chemicals anywhere in the vicinity, the Stooges will discover and immediately mix them in an unconventional container such as a boot.” (op. cit., p. 96)
“Immutable Stooge Law #28: All chemicals mixed by the Stooges will have the effect of burning through whatever they touch, including floor boards, steel prison bars, and the human body.” (ibid.)
On Stoogean manifestations of Terpsichore:
“Immutable Stooge Law #25: When one Stooge has injured his foot and is hopping about in pain, the other Stooges will clap, stomp, and otherwise create an [impromptu] klezmer dance.” (ibid.)
Mark ye well, fellow Stoogeniks: next time you’re at a loss to explain the world’s greatest comedy team’s apparent disregard for the parameters of time, space, and good sense, remember: it’s the law!
[signed]
I. Fleecem, Esq.
CFO and Senior Partner
Skin & Flint Finance Corporation
*Now playing: “Violent is the Word for Curly” [1938], in which the boys bypass academia’s hoary old tenure system by rising, in less time than it takes to screen a one-reel Columbia short subject, from gas station attendants to full professors at prestigious Mildew College—where, as any Stoogenik knows, the lads teach coeds their A-B-C’s with the aid of a jazzy little number called “Swingin’ the Alphabet.”
Consider if you will, fellow Stoogeniks, these Immutable Stooge Laws governing the care and handling of ammunition, firearms, and other weaponry:
“Immutable Stooge Law #29: Bullets fired carelessly into the sky will always hit and drop a succulent turkey, duck, or other ready-to-eat delicacy at the Stooges’ feet.” (Gurson, p. 97; cf. “Back to the Woods” [1937: Curly’s clumsy discharge of his old English muzzleloader delivers a prize tom] and “Boobs in Arms” [1940], wherein the Lads, during what should have been a routine manual-of-arms drill at army boot camp, inadvertently empty their government-issue rifles, serendipitously scoring three on-the-wing mallards.)
“Immutable Stooge Law #40: The Stooges will attempt to confirm that unloaded guns are indeed unloaded by pointing the barrel at vital parts of each other’s anatomy and pulling the trigger.” (op.cit., p. 114) –and its natural corollary …
“Immutable Stooge Law #41: All guns believed by the Stooges to be unloaded will be loaded. In Baby Sitters Jitters [1951], Shemp relies too heavily on a woman’s assurance that a pistol is empty and confidently pulls the trigger, leaving an unbecoming bullet trace along the scalp of a suddenly furious Moe.” (Ibid)
On human anatomy, physiognomy, and kinestheology:
“Immutable Stooge Law #18: After a Stooge’s foot is continuously twisted by Moe, that foot will unwind at dizzying speeds like an airplane propeller (various films).” (op. cit., p. 77)
On Stoogean mixology and other chemistry:
“Immutable Stooge Law #8: Cocktails mixed by the Stooges will smoke, flame, and burn holes in wooden tables, but will still be enjoyed by those who drink them.” (op. cit., pp. 59-60)
“Immutable Stooge Law #27: If there are chemicals anywhere in the vicinity, the Stooges will discover and immediately mix them in an unconventional container such as a boot.” (op. cit., p. 96)
“Immutable Stooge Law #28: All chemicals mixed by the Stooges will have the effect of burning through whatever they touch, including floor boards, steel prison bars, and the human body.” (ibid.)
On Stoogean manifestations of Terpsichore:
“Immutable Stooge Law #25: When one Stooge has injured his foot and is hopping about in pain, the other Stooges will clap, stomp, and otherwise create an [impromptu] klezmer dance.” (ibid.)
Mark ye well, fellow Stoogeniks: next time you’re at a loss to explain the world’s greatest comedy team’s apparent disregard for the parameters of time, space, and good sense, remember: it’s the law!
[signed]
I. Fleecem, Esq.
CFO and Senior Partner
Skin & Flint Finance Corporation
*Now playing: “Violent is the Word for Curly” [1938], in which the boys bypass academia’s hoary old tenure system by rising, in less time than it takes to screen a one-reel Columbia short subject, from gas station attendants to full professors at prestigious Mildew College—where, as any Stoogenik knows, the lads teach coeds their A-B-C’s with the aid of a jazzy little number called “Swingin’ the Alphabet.”