Any insights you can share...

[jognlope]

I don't like sharing personal stuff. My mother is failing, in nursing home. I'm getting bad anxiety symptoms. Sometimes a couple beers helps. I know I just have to plow through, but if you can offer any suggestions, please do. We're hoping she'll get through to Christmas, but doubtful. She has some good days, some looking like she's done and ready to go. She had it tough, marrying at 18, then 5 miscarriages, then a stillborn before four healthy kids. So when I think of the rough time I had with her, I try to see it from her point of view. Back in the 50s there weren't any choices. She probably would have just as soon lived in NYC and been a writer, living in her own little apartment, than the life she got and I know for a fact she hating living in the south.

[Native Texan III]

Just tell her all that and how much you care and go and see her as much as you can. Get her old friends to visit also if you can. Try to reconcile any family feuds. Talk to her about all the joy she has brought, the good times as well as the hardships. Towards the end it is family and friends alone that count.

[46zilzal]

is there any organic disease or just age related problems?

All of my patients who did well in long term care never stopped stimulating that cerebral cortex.

[jognlope]

Thanks Native, I appreciate your thoughtful words, and will do that. She was a long time alcoholic and had a stroke. She can't speak hardly at all and can't stand a visit from kids for too long, too much for her to concentrate, like 20 minutes or so.

[jballscalls]

as far as the anxiety problems, drinking beer is just glossing over the issues that are actually causing the anxiety.

it's completely normal to be anxious with all this going on though, sometimes, just taking some time to do some relaxing during the day, deep breathing, no tv, just relaxing does wonders for your overall calm.

[46zilzal]

Thanks Native, I appreciate your thoughtful words, and will do that. She was a long time alcoholic and had a stroke. She can't speak hardly at all and can't stand a visit from kids for too long, too much for her to concentrate, like 20 minutes or so.
cirrhosis a problem? That can lead to major toxicity of the central nervous system especially when the billirubin gets very high..Hepatic encephalopathy....Nasty as my mother had it the last two years and we had a hard time communicating with her.

[Greyfox]

She had it tough, marrying at 18, then 5 miscarriages, then a stillborn before four healthy kids. So when I think of the rough time I had with her, I try to see it from her point of view. Back in the 50s there weren't any choices. She probably would have just as soon lived in NYC and been a writer, living in her own little apartment, than the life she got and I know for a fact she hating living in the south.

Visit her as much as you possibly can without allowing it to sap energy from your own well being. Tex gave you good advice there.
If I might say though, part of the load you are carrying, is somewhat due to what I would consider "faulty thinking" on your part.

But before I say what I'm going to say though, let me share with you that my mother is well into her 90's and is also in a nursing home completely incapacitated. I am her Guardian and Trustee. The care is very good, but I wouldn't want to live 24 hours there in her condition. God bless her.

Having said that, your comments above, about the 1950's and her choices are just plain wrong. I think that you are feeling terrible that she had it so tough and the guilt from it is a source of your anxiety.
The truth is: Your Mom choose the life she led within whatever realistic options were available. At any point of the way, she could have chosen a different route. The fact that she chose not to prematurely end her life should tell you that there was honest enjoyment within that life.
Now that she is in a nursing home, her choices are of course diminished. But never beat yourself up, as you seem to be doing, for the life she chose. Her life was her choices, and still is, if she's not mentally incompetent.

In the meanwhile, you too are a reflection of the decisions that you are making in life. We all are. Be thankful that you still have a Mom. There will be many visitors to this board who lost their Moms much earlier.

[prospector]

love...its the one word we never use enough..
tell her over and over how much you love and appreciate her..
my mother and grandmother both died long and hard from parkinson's..
they always seemed to rest easy when i told them i loved them and all they did for me..
we only get one family...

[ArlJim78]

I don't share much on the personal side either, but today I found out that my little brother is in hospice care with a ruined liver. He's unresponsive and they put his time at no more than a couple of days max. why I just learned about this today is another story that I won't go into.

my last conversation with my brother was a very bad one, that left both of us feeling hurt. knowing that my final words with him were so hurtful is something that will be hard for me to live with.

didn't mean to hijack your thread, but my advice would be to do as others have suggested, and communicate often to her about your feelings and love. appreciate every day and conversation that you have remaining with her.

[jognlope]

ArlJim, is there ever a lack of guilt with a death of a loved one? Sometimes I wonder. An incidental exchange of words means nothing, I believe, when one is near the end of life. I believe the life long love enters in at that time. That's an awful big pill to swallow and not fair, two days. I'm sorry.

[Greyfox]

[QUOTE=ArlJim78]He's unresponsive and they put his time at no more than a couple of days max. ....
my last conversation with my brother was a very bad one, that left both of us feeling hurt. knowing that my final words with him were so hurtful is something that will be hard for me to live with.

QUOTE]

The moral in that is:
"Treat everyone you love "as if you may never see them again."
We never know when anyone's due date is.


Having said that, if you can possibly see your brother before he dies, tell him your true feelings for him.
That he is unresponsive, doesn't mean that he won't hear what you say to him. (That is why surgeons and nurses have to be very careful what they say about their patients when they are under anesthetic.)

[jognlope]

See you have a sense of humor! His heart will retain the all the good times. Keep us posted if you feel like it.

[skate]

j...lope

I can only cover what you have stated.

Booze wont help.

But, im not there, so take this for what it's worth.

The very best you can do is to take her home. This will cover many negatives and you will not regret taking her home.

Forget about any outside care and whatever happens, you'll have the best Holidays and ditto for the rest of your life.:ThmbUp:

[Greyfox]

j...lope

The very best you can do is to take her home. This will cover many negatives and you will not regret taking her home.


Taking someone home who requires 24/7 nursing home attention is an almost impossible task for most of us. Many who try it put their own health at risk with some passing on before the one they are trying to give care to.
Never feel guilty about having your Mom in a nursing home.
No, it is not ideal.
However, it is not abandonment. It is not neglectful. In fact, many elderly do better in a nursing home than a hospital.

[jognlope]

I would like to and my sister also in Michigan wanted to, but she needs to be put in her chair with a Hoyer lift and I don't think Mom wants to be outside her room. She likes her girls there and also can't stand to be with any of us for more than 20 minutes or so.

[michiken]

From a man who has had his share of personal tragedies over the last few years, my prayers are with all.

Ken

[Grits]

She probably would have just as soon lived in NYC and been a writer, living in her own little apartment, than the life she got and I know for a fact she hating living in the south.

I'm sorry your mother hated the South. I love it. Always have.

She was a long time alcoholic and had a stroke. She can't speak hardly at all and can't stand a visit from kids for too long, too much for her to concentrate, like 20 minutes or so.

Think she might have blamed her drinking on the South, too? Dysfunction is pretty much a nationwide dilemma; its not limited to the South.

Whatever our situation may be, however dire, however blessed, many of us have the ability to cope in life.
We make the choice to cope, or not to cope--it is a CHOICE. Just like alcohol is a choice. A poor one. Just like having faith is a choice. A good one.

You're drinking beer to cope, and your mother's been in this nursing home how long? You're not likely to bring your mother home, you want to talk about the possibility--but the reality is--if you you've got to drink beer without her IN your home--you're not likely to do any better with her IN the next room. Your coping skills are obviously not at a level that would be helpful in taking care of your mother's needs.

When one asks for suggestions, I'm sorry, they may not all be touchy feely. And I know mine is not. I've had a lot of practice with coping and I recognize well, what will work and what will not. What is self serving and what is immobilizing. Wringing one's hands, feeling unnecessary guilt, and drinking booze--serve only to create more hand wringing, more obcessing, and seeking of suggestions.

Let your mother be. She'll be fine where she is. Visit her, and let her be. And continue to do the best you can.

[jognlope]

She's not in my home, she's in the infirmary. She can't stand a visitor for long because of her stroke effects, it's not personal. Just too hard for her concentration capabilities. In past years, she and I spent long days at the Spa, nice memories. But you won't like this part, she always bet on J. Bailey!

[sandpit]

She's not in my home, she's in the infirmary. She can't stand a visitor for long because of her stroke effects, it's not personal. Just too hard for her concentration capabilities. In past years, she and I spent long days at the Spa, nice memories. But you won't like this part, she always bet on J. Bailey!

Back in the '80s, my grandmother suffered a series of small strokes that left her speech and handwriting basically useless. She would get horribly frustrated at her inability to communicate. Maybe that's what's going thru your mom's mind too. It's very tough to watch a loved one take the slow road to the ultimate end. On the other hand, my mom had a brain hemmorhage (sp?) and was gone in a matter of minutes. I'd give anything to have her back to see my kids, especially my son, who has her looks and gentle heart.

[cj's dad]

Today is the 13th "anniversary" (is that the right word) of my wifes' passing away !!

After 30 years, I guess the point is that all good things come to an end !!!!