Horse Racing Joke

[Dick Schmidt]

The Rabbi and His Hat


A Rabbi is walking slowly down the street when a gust of wind blows his
hat from his head. The hat is being blown down the street,
but he is an old man and can't walk fast enough to catch the hat. Across
the street a Gentile sees what has happened and rushes
over to grab the hat and then returns it to the Rabbi.

"I don't think I would have been able to catch my hat," said the Rabbi.
"Thank you very much." The Rabbi then places his hand on
the man's shoulder and says, "May God bless you."

The young man thinks to himself, "I've been blessed by the Rabbi, this
must be my lucky day!" So he goes to the racetrack and in
the first race he sees there is a horse named Stetson at 20 to 1. He
bets $50 and sure enough the horse comes in first.

In the second race he sees a horse named Fedora at 30 to 1, so he bets
it all and this horse comes in first also. Finally at the end
of the day he returns home to his wife. When she asks him where he's
been, he explains how he caught the Rabbi's hat and was
blessed by him and then went to the track and started winning on horses
that had a hat in their names.

"So where's the money?" she asks.

"I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named Chateau and it lost."

"You fool, Chateau is a house, Chapeau is a hat!"

"It doesn't matter," he said, "the winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulka."

[andicap]

And a tip of the cap to Dick for that joke.

:D

[Gekish]

Compulsive horse player goes to the shrienk for cure. Ok I'll show you a race on tape make a bet- says the shrienk.
Patient: Number 2
Number 2 loses by a nose.
Shrienk: Ok I'll show you the race one more time. Who do you bet this time ?
Patient: Number 2
Shrienk: How come you just saw it lose by nose !
Patient: Well maybe this time the jockey will give him a better ride.

Moral: Hope has no place in handicapping.

[Lefty]

Fred has a new system so he and friend Joe go to the track. Fred bends over the form and says to Joe, "i'll figure the system and you run the bets" It's agreed.
First race Fred sends Joe to bet no. 2. No 2 wins and Joe sheepishly shows Fred a ticket on #5.
"What happened?" Fred asks. "Well I met this guy and he assured me the race was a lock for #5"
"Never mind go ger #6 in 2nd race."
2nd race over #6 wins at a price and Joe shows ticket on #3.
"I met that same guy and he assured me we'd get even this time."
"Never mind," Fred growls go get a ticket on 7, double up."
7 wins just like clockwork. "By doubling up we have a profit," Fred exclaims but his glee is cut short when Joe shows him a ticket on #1. "weeel that guy said your #7 had no chance and the fixwas in for #1.
"Well, hope you're happy. Just got enough money left for a hot dog. We'll split it."
Joe comes back with a hamburger and proffers it timidly toward an outraged Fred. "Met that same guy again."

[Dave Schwartz]

Left & Dick,

Great stories.

Thanks.

Dave

[witchdoctor]

A Baptist preacher decides to visit Churchhill Downs and find out what this horse racing thing is about. Before the first race, he sees a Catholic priest blessing a longshot in the first race and the horse wins at the price. Before the second race he sees the priest bless the longest price horse and that horse wins wire to wire. The third race, the priest blesses a 30 to 1 shot who wins by 10 lengths. The preacher goes to the paddock for the fourth race. When he sees who the priest annoints, the preacher charges to the window and bets every dollar he has on him. The gates open and the annointed horse takes one step and drops dead.
The preacher is aghast. He races to the priest to complain. "The first 3 horses you bless win and yet the 4 th one drops dead. What happened???"
The priest looks at hom and says "You must be a Baptist."
The preacher replies "How did you know??"
The priest responds "You Baptist just can't tell the difference from a blessing and the Last Rights."

[Amazin]

You guys are amateurs.Here's a few.

I bet on a great horse today.It took ten horses to beat him.

What's the difference between praying in church and at the track? At the track you really mean it!

A young jockey and his stable lass girlfriend make the decision to get married. Everything is planned and the couple intend to honeymoon in Italy for a week. The marriage goes without a hitch and the couple set off on their honeymoon. While checking in the lady behind the desk asks 'We have two suites available for you, would you like the bridal?' 'No thanks says the jockey I'll just hold her ears till she gets the hang of it!'

Hope I don't have to answer to Mr.Polti

[Dave Schwartz]

Witchdocter,

Very good!

Thanks.

Dave

[Dan Montilion]

Trainer Bill (TB) walks by the same down and outer (DO) for a full year and always feels sorry for this poor soul. When one day TB has a hidden first time good thing...

TB... Listen, I got a first timer that you can bet all you want on today and get real well.

DO... Th-th-thanks. Turns out (DO) is has a stuttering problem.

Race goes off and sure enough said horse opens up six going into the turn but forgets to turn and crashes through the outside fence.

TB... Sorry ole pal about yesterday but we'll patch him up and get an even bigger price next time.

DO... N-N-no Pr-pr-problem, ne-ne-next t-time.

6 weeks later.

TB... Ole Pal, were in today, bet to get out and make a ton.

DO... Th-th-thanks.

Same thing happens, opens up two jumps out of the gate at a huge number and runs a straight line right in to the parking lot.

TB... Sorry old timer but I've tried everything I know to get this one to make the turn.

DO... Tr-tr-tr-try Le-le-lead in his e-e-e-ar.

TB... How do I do that?

DO. Wi-wi-with a-a-a g-g-gu-gu-gun.

Dan Montilion

[Lefty]

amazin, no Polti for you; your jokes were funny.

[Dave Schwartz]

Uh, who is Mr. Polti? ???

[bill]

two guys,both horse players ,to the bone
go to thier hotel, start to get off the elevator, met by a guard, was told that they couldent be on that floor.aske why they were told that the pope had thie whole floor.
so they went to thier room .
in a while pat says ive always wanted top see the pope, going to sneak down there and see.

he goes to the popes floor. looks in the room , the popes dead. he turns to leave and the guard grabes him ,telling him he cant leave.but pat tells him that he wont tell,the guarde tells him ok, but that the world wont know till friday.
pat goes back to the room and tells mike,mike says u knopw we got a sure thing here ,go out and bet all our money that the pope will be dead friday.

pat goe out on friday he comes in,mike says how did u do,pat says good news and bad news mike says what you mean. pat says i got all the money bet

mike say ss thats wonderful whats the bad news

pat says i parlayed him to the bishop

[Dave Schwartz]

Bill,

ROTFLMAO

Dave

[Pace Cap'n]

Posted this once before but maybe it's worth repeating....

A guy is at the races cashing ticket after ticket, going to the same teller.

After about six in a row, the teller is darn curious. The conversation goes like this:

"So how are you coming up with all those winners?"

"Well, I gave up handicapping and now I just wave a pin over the program, and bet whichever horse it lands on."

"But you hit the trifecta in the last race. How did you do that?"

"I lost the pin so I used a fork."

[Lefty]

Dave, Georges Polti wrote the book "Thirty-Six Dramatic Situations" and amazin and I had quite a long "go" about structure in jokes, stories and literature in general. Either very entertaining thread or boring as hell according to your "perspective."

[freeneasy]

ahhhhhhhh:D

[Tennessee]

This one's a little rough, but it's been a long week...
There is a story about a certain bookmaker who was making a long trip by car when towards nightfall he happened upon an inn which had a most unusual name, The Even Steven, he decided to stop there for the Night.

The proprietor explained. "You see, my name is Steven Even. so I just decided to turn it around and call this The Even Steven." He continued, "We are pretty far in the country. In fact, there's not another soul lives closer than thirty miles away, whichever way you go. Makes it pretty lonely for me, a widower. And worse still for my daughters. They should have their pick of boy friends. But, they are getting so frustrated they're about to do anything for a man."

The bookie made sympathetic noises, and listened until hunger obliged him to change the subject to that of food. A gorgeous blonde who introduced herself as Blanche Even served an excellent home-cooked dinner to him; and she kept asking him if there was anything else he wanted. Finally, she said, "Would you like me to sit and talk to you for a while?"

"Thank you," he said politely, "but I've had a long day."

He went to his room and had just started to undress when there was a knock at the door and an absolutely breathtaking brunette came in.

"I'm Carmen Even," she said. "I just wanted to see if there is anything you want."

"I don't think so, thank you," he said pleasantly.

When he had finally climbed in between the sheets and was preparing to read himself to sleep, the door opened again to admit a redhead in a negligee to end all negligees.

"I'm Ginger Even," she announced. "I wanted to be sure your bed was comfortable."

"It is," he assured her.

When she had gone, he settled down with a sigh of relief and was about to put out the light at last when the door burst open once more and the proprietor himself stomped in, glowing with indignation.

"What's the matter with you," he roared. "I got to listen all night to my daughters moaning an' wailing, the most luscious gals in this county, because they all try to show you hospitality an' you won't give one of 'em a tumble. Ain't us Evens good enough for you?"

"I'm sorry," said the transient, "But I told you when I registered I'm a professional bookmaker. I only lay Odds."