Humor

[Dave Schwartz]

the smartest kid in class

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=leDA2VURdQk

[Dave Schwartz]

and a Polish joke. (It's okay, I'm part Polish.)

So, the customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something... If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?' If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?" The clerk says, "Well, no, I probably wouldn't!" With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

[Tom]

OK, Dave, after clearing out 3 feet of snow and 6 feet of drifts, I'm read to laugh.....

A bar owner bus a new robot bartender that is programmed not only to know all drinks, but to be able gear itself to mental level of the customers so as to engage in conversation, much like real bartender.
The first customer comes and and order a Brandy Alexander. The robot makes a perfect drink and asks the customer what his IQ is.
"178!" Replies the man. "I am a rocket scientist and a member of Mensa."
"What do you think of the string theory and it's implications on future scientific discovery?" asks robo-tender.

A few minutes later, another customer comes and orders a martini.
The robot makes another perfect drink and asks what his IQ is.
"100." replies the man. I work in the factory down the street.
"How about those Saints!" asks Robo.

Then a man comes in and orders a draft. The robot draws he perfect beer, just enough foam, and places in from the the thirsty customer.
"May I ask if you know your IQ?"
"46." replies the man. I had a head injury in a car accident a few years ago. I am unable to work and must reply on others to take care of me. About all I can really do is drink beer."



"How's that Hope and Change working out for ya?"

[Leonard]

You really don't have to wonder whether it is your dog or your wife that loves you more. If you locked your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car for an hour or two which one do think will act happy to see you when you let them out?

[MEC]

What a terrible thought ! I'd never do that to my dog !!!

[Tom]

Ole and Sven were fishing in the Minnesota opener when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light..

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then, reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'
'Vell,' replied Ole, I got it from my Genie.'
'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.

'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.
'Could I see him?'

Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.
Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.
So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.

The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks. Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks... Flying directly overhead. Over the roar of the million ducks, Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"