VetScratch
06-13-2003, 06:39 PM
Thou shall not heed heretics who preach that you can't beat the horses. At least two percent of all horseplayers consistently turn a profit, and purely by coincidence, they all seem to congregate on this message board to bear witness to their success.
Thou shall not offer meaningful help to other handicappers. The notion that it's "us against the horses" is both naive and absurd. Pari-mutuel wagering is war among rogue cannibals, and tribal or communal behavior is self-defeating.
Thou shall glean from others whatever can benefit you, but beware of shills and stalking horses. A preponderance of what others will share should be self-serving or misinformation unless the source is NOT marketing a product and is also NOT a gambler. If you find a knowledgeable but naive source who is oblivious to the first commandment, exchange chaff for wheat under the guise of communal welfare. For example, if his/her logistics prohibit ontrack play, offer only tips or angles that depend upon ontrack observations.
Thou shall never share your wagering intentions with others because no positive consequence is feasible. If you are brimming with confidence, raise your wager but keep this vow of silence. Touting others will never increase your winning payoffs, and even modest wagers that mimic yours could nudge the odds to the next lowest breakage plateau. As J.C. Penney said to the bellhop, "Sorry, Son, but tipping you would be a disservice to both of us. I got rich by treating nickels and dimes like manhole covers, and you must learn to do likewise!"
Thou should never forget that horses, unlike mankind, are not tainted by Original Sin. In the long run, horses are as pure and simple as the laws of probability. Mankind envies such perfection and vainly contrives to bend or break these laws. A chosen few will trust the horses to remain innocent and will profit by wagering against the proposition that man will succeed where Satan failed. I like the ring of that statement, because it sounds Judeo/Christian while conveniently justifying greed.
As a footnote to that thought, some historians credit 13th century theologian Thomas Aquinas with this formal proof of horse innocence: "Favorites win about 33.33% of the time because this combines with Satanic numerology (66.67%) to signify perfect unity." Of course, this is the same guy who made the line on two Angels occupying the same space as 5/6 either way, so you might want to hedge by maintaining your membership in the Sartin/Brohamer cult.
Thou shall not pirate commercial software, refuse to register shareware, or duplicate copyrighted downloads. If you bankrupt all the vendors, PA will lose many members, and you may find this board deserted except for warm-hearted threads of correspondence between Bruddah and me.
Thou shall not pass Erie, PA, without detouring to the OTB facility. Tell the pretty blonde mutuel clerk that you know VetScratch, and maybe I'll let you buy dinner! If I know something that day, we can make it "Chicken Dinner!"
Thou has shown extreme patience if you're still with me. I signed up for Creative Writing at the Community College, but the teacher has not been impressed with my papers (this got me a C+). I wanted to shed the "dumb blond stigma" when I left the beauty pageant circuit, but I don't seem to be having much success! I know it sounds weak and cheesy, but I joined this board to find the man of my dreams. Where are you ROI?
Thou shall not offer meaningful help to other handicappers. The notion that it's "us against the horses" is both naive and absurd. Pari-mutuel wagering is war among rogue cannibals, and tribal or communal behavior is self-defeating.
Thou shall glean from others whatever can benefit you, but beware of shills and stalking horses. A preponderance of what others will share should be self-serving or misinformation unless the source is NOT marketing a product and is also NOT a gambler. If you find a knowledgeable but naive source who is oblivious to the first commandment, exchange chaff for wheat under the guise of communal welfare. For example, if his/her logistics prohibit ontrack play, offer only tips or angles that depend upon ontrack observations.
Thou shall never share your wagering intentions with others because no positive consequence is feasible. If you are brimming with confidence, raise your wager but keep this vow of silence. Touting others will never increase your winning payoffs, and even modest wagers that mimic yours could nudge the odds to the next lowest breakage plateau. As J.C. Penney said to the bellhop, "Sorry, Son, but tipping you would be a disservice to both of us. I got rich by treating nickels and dimes like manhole covers, and you must learn to do likewise!"
Thou should never forget that horses, unlike mankind, are not tainted by Original Sin. In the long run, horses are as pure and simple as the laws of probability. Mankind envies such perfection and vainly contrives to bend or break these laws. A chosen few will trust the horses to remain innocent and will profit by wagering against the proposition that man will succeed where Satan failed. I like the ring of that statement, because it sounds Judeo/Christian while conveniently justifying greed.
As a footnote to that thought, some historians credit 13th century theologian Thomas Aquinas with this formal proof of horse innocence: "Favorites win about 33.33% of the time because this combines with Satanic numerology (66.67%) to signify perfect unity." Of course, this is the same guy who made the line on two Angels occupying the same space as 5/6 either way, so you might want to hedge by maintaining your membership in the Sartin/Brohamer cult.
Thou shall not pirate commercial software, refuse to register shareware, or duplicate copyrighted downloads. If you bankrupt all the vendors, PA will lose many members, and you may find this board deserted except for warm-hearted threads of correspondence between Bruddah and me.
Thou shall not pass Erie, PA, without detouring to the OTB facility. Tell the pretty blonde mutuel clerk that you know VetScratch, and maybe I'll let you buy dinner! If I know something that day, we can make it "Chicken Dinner!"
Thou has shown extreme patience if you're still with me. I signed up for Creative Writing at the Community College, but the teacher has not been impressed with my papers (this got me a C+). I wanted to shed the "dumb blond stigma" when I left the beauty pageant circuit, but I don't seem to be having much success! I know it sounds weak and cheesy, but I joined this board to find the man of my dreams. Where are you ROI?