Rim Shots

[bigmack]

I have several Navy Seals living on my block and we try and outdo each other with bad jokes. Any out there that really reek?

ie.
Why do fish live in saltwater?
Pepper makes 'em sneeze.

http://www.instantrimshot.com/

[dutchboy]

I have several Navy Seals living on my block and we try and outdo each other with bad jokes. Any out there that really reek?

ie.
Why do fish live in saltwater?
Pepper makes 'em sneeze.

http://www.instantrimshot.com/

Bad jokes?

There are several living in Washington D.C.

[finfan]

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?

A pool table

[Tom]

It's hot in Texas.
How hot is it?
It's so hot, the plastic surgeon melted.

[Dick Schmidt]

Here you go, worst joke I have heard in some time:


An older couple were vacationing at the beach. Every day they would go down to the sand, set up beach chairs and spend the day enjoying watching the world go by. They soon noticed a young girl who came by every day. She would approach different people lying on their towels. Most of the time, she was turned away, but sometimes she gave people a small package and collected some money.

Now, the couple figured she must be selling drugs or something illicit, but they didn't want to get her in trouble should she prove to be innocent of any wrongdoing. They also noticed that she only approached people who had boom boxes or radios. The next day, the wife sent her husband down to the beach along with a large portable radio. Sure enough the girl soon approached her husband. A few minutes later, he packed up and joined his wife.

Well, is she selling drugs? she asked.

Nope. She sells batteries.

Batteries?

That's right. She sells C-cells down by the seashore.


Dick



Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a
man who can't get his pants off.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?


These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

[Dave Schwartz]

"Johnny, What do we have for our winner, Dick Schmidt?"

(I know it is early but how is anyone going to top... er, bottom, those?"

[lsbets]

How do you make a tissue dance?

Put a little boogie in it.

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?

They taste funny.

What's the last thing to go through a fly's mind when he hits your windshield?

His assh*le.

What does an elephant use for a tampon?

A sheep.

[DJofSD]

This is more of a groaner:

Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because chickens hadn't been invented yet.

[Tom]

A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. He had a black eye so the bartender asks him what happened.

"My wife." he replies.
"Go figure women!"

"Why did she hit you?" the bartender asks.

"We were having a glass of wine after dinner, and she leans into me and says,"Why don't you make me feel like a woman tonight?"

"So I told her she could mop the floor as soon she did the dishes. The WHAM!"

"Go figure women."

[DJofSD]

http://grabmyteddybear.blogspot.com/2008/06/how-to-make-horse-laugh-and-cry.html

[dartman51]

A guy goes into the bar and orders a beer.
Bartender: What kind?
Man: Anything but Bud Light
Bartender brings him a Coors.
Man drinks the beer and orders another, anything but a Bud light.
Bartender brings him another Coors and says, I don't understand, why do you specify no Bud light?
Man: I got drunk on Bud Light the other night, went home and blew chunks in the middle of the living room, and the wife almost killed me.
Bartender: Well, I can understand that. Any woman would be upset if you throw up on the carpet.
Man: You don't understand, Chunks is my dog. :bang:

[BlueShoe]

Bad jokes?

There are several living in Washington D.C.
Several?Move the decimal place over two or three notches would be more like it.The worst joke of all is at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

[toetoe]

several Navy Seals living on my block

They otter know better.

[toetoe]

Why was the cannibal kept after school ?

He was repeatedly buttering up the teacher.

[toetoe]

Hey Falc,

Y'know, Woody Allen's wife is Korean, too. :lol: .

[DJofSD]

Wok's that you say?

[Rookies]

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"


And that's how the fight started...


************************************************** **********
My wife walked into the den & asked, "What's on the TV?"

I replied, "Dust".

And that's how the fight started...


************************************************** **********

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."


The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."


And that's how the fight started...


************************************************** **********

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a scale.

And that's how the fight started...


************************************************** **********
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"


It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.


"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.


So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"


And that's when the fight started...


************************************************** **********
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"


"No," she answered.


I then said, "Is that your final answer?"


She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes.."


So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."


And that's when the fight started...


************************************************** **********
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.

So, I took her to a gas station.

And that's when the fight started...


************************************************** **********

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.


I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.


And that's when the fight started...


************************************************** **********
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And that's when the fight started...


************************************************** ************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed, and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well, I couldn't believe it. He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And that's when the fight started...


************************************************** **********
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said , "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started...

[PaceAdvantage]

Thanks for the laughs Rookies....that was a great reply!

[Tom]

You know who I hate?
"Who?"
Indian Givers.

No, wait, I take that back.


You know who I really hate?
"Who?"
People who sound like owls.


What is the main event at the Gay Olympics?
The biathalon.

[Rookies]

Thanks PA. I have 2 very good women friends at work, both half my age. I've made sure to meet and befriend their parents, even though they are now married. ;) One of their Moms ( about 62 years old) sends me a steady diet of Gold ! Along with my 75 year old aunt, they are my prime sources for gems... like this one...


MORNING SEX
She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'
My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her 'T' shirt still around her neck.
A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'
She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'

[PaceAdvantage]

And that's when the fight started...

(God I love that line...I even have a special voice in my head that said it while reading your thread Rookies...:lol: :lol: )

[sandpit]

Back in the '40s, there was a drummer in Tommy Dorsey's traveling band, who, unlike most of his bandmates, was married and wanted to stay faithful to his wife. So, when most of the guys would go out barhopping and dancing, he either took in a movie or went back to his hotel room and read a book.

One night, he decided to go to a movie. He finds his seat and noticed and old fellow, looked like a vagrant, sitting several seats over from him. About 30 minutes into the movie, the drummer starts smelling the nastiest smell he ever experienced.
He leaned over to the bum and said, "Hey buddy, did you poop in your pants?"
The bum turned to him slowly and said, "Yup."
"Well, what are you gonna do about it?"
With a pained expression, the bum said, "I ain't real sure, I ain't done yet."

[Tom]

When the made you, they broke the mold.
Some of it grew back.

[toetoe]

What is the main event at the Gay Olympics?
The biathalon.

Nice effort, but not, strictly speaking, accurate. Maybe the Pervlympics, or the Blow-lympiad ? Sump'm like that. I'm jess sayin'.

[Dave Schwartz]

When the made you, they broke the mold.
Some of it grew back.

LOL - Alternative version:

When the made you, they broke the mold and beat the mold maker.

[toetoe]

Why does a bald man get requests for favors from cute women ?

They just figure he never has much on his pate. Hoo boy.

[Tom]

It Pays to Mind Your Own Business

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the
Patients were shouting, '13....13....13'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the
Planks and looked through to see what was going on.
Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

[DJofSD]

It Pays to Mind Your Own Business

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the
Patients were shouting, '13....13....13'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the
Planks and looked through to see what was going on.
Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...
:lol: :lol: :lol: