boxcar
04-29-2003, 12:42 PM
A friend sent this along to me. While this speech will never happen, we can at least fantasize.
Boxcar
---------------------------------------------------
(Although totally impossible and impractical, it does have a certain flair
as a "gut level" appeal. )
SUGGESTED COPY FOR THE RESIDENT'S SPEACH SOMETIME DOWN THE
LINE....
My fellow Americans:
As you all know, the defeat of Iraq's regime has been completed. The
discovery and destruction of all weapons of mass destruction have been covered thoroughly in the press. A new Iraqi government has been
established and appears to be stable.
Our mission in Iraq is complete.
This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American
forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days.
It is now time to begin the reckoning.
Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries
which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is
short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia and Poland are some of the countries listed there. Some countries quietly helped us and they can now be revealed ... they are on the list too.
The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list.
My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.
Let me start by saying that effective immediately, all foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.
The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world
hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.
Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call 1-800-France.
In the out years, together with Congress, I will work to re-direct this
money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home.
I am ordering the immediate withdrawal of all US forces from Kuwait, Saudi Arabia, and most other Middle Eastern nations. For those not on List 1, leave us alone. Solve your own damn problems. Need help? Call
I-800-Germany.
On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we
will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your relatives from the face
of the earth.
Thirsting for a country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.
Regarding the nation of Israel, I have this to say. It seems like everybody has forgotten what happened to European Jewry during the 1930s
and World War II. Our nation will never permit the destruction of
Israel. No way, Jose'. Nevertheless, to Israel and the Palestinian
Authority: Yo, boys - Yank yer heads outta the dark place and work out a
peace deal. Just note that Camp David is now closed.
I'm ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France,
Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.
I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many U.N. diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan, with more than two unpaid
tickets, to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and
crushed. I don't give a damn about whatever treaty pertains to this. Pay
your tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers, and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world.
The U.N. will be given 365 days to relocate to another country. The U.S.
will hereafter pay its financial assessment based on a pro-rata share by population. Perhaps this will encourage family planning in many of the countries on list 2.
A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are going to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not
pissing us off for a change.
Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government
really need an attitude adjustment. I have a couple extra tank and
infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I'm gonna put 'em? Yep,
border security. We will immediately institute a program of 'qualified'
immigration and return the unacceptable applicants and all current illegal immigrants to their home countries.
So start doing something with your oil. Oh, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty---starting now.
It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens.
Some will accuse us of xenophobia. My response is simple and direct: if
you can play that word in Scrabble, do it as soon as your turn comes
around. It is not a perfect world but we will work towards it at home
from now on. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them be
saying darn tootin'. Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet.
It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate
homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup soccer from
America.
We will develop energy independence. We will restructure our nation for
its isolationist destiny.
I will be sending legislation to Congress tomorrow proposing the first
actions that that august body should take as we move in a new direction.
Finally, I have to run for a second term of office. After that the First
Lady and I will retire to our Texas ranch and have some fun. Laura and I
have been talking about takin' one of those cruises up to Alaska.
Personally, I couldn't care less who gets elected in 2008. Throw a little
fascism into the mix and elect Senator Clinton. She can appoint the
editorial board of the New York Times to her Cabinet.
To the nations on List 2, a final thought. Drop dead.
To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you.
God bless America.
Thank you and good night...
Boxcar
---------------------------------------------------
(Although totally impossible and impractical, it does have a certain flair
as a "gut level" appeal. )
SUGGESTED COPY FOR THE RESIDENT'S SPEACH SOMETIME DOWN THE
LINE....
My fellow Americans:
As you all know, the defeat of Iraq's regime has been completed. The
discovery and destruction of all weapons of mass destruction have been covered thoroughly in the press. A new Iraqi government has been
established and appears to be stable.
Our mission in Iraq is complete.
This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American
forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days.
It is now time to begin the reckoning.
Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries
which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is
short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia and Poland are some of the countries listed there. Some countries quietly helped us and they can now be revealed ... they are on the list too.
The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list.
My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.
Let me start by saying that effective immediately, all foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.
The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world
hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.
Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call 1-800-France.
In the out years, together with Congress, I will work to re-direct this
money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home.
I am ordering the immediate withdrawal of all US forces from Kuwait, Saudi Arabia, and most other Middle Eastern nations. For those not on List 1, leave us alone. Solve your own damn problems. Need help? Call
I-800-Germany.
On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we
will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your relatives from the face
of the earth.
Thirsting for a country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.
Regarding the nation of Israel, I have this to say. It seems like everybody has forgotten what happened to European Jewry during the 1930s
and World War II. Our nation will never permit the destruction of
Israel. No way, Jose'. Nevertheless, to Israel and the Palestinian
Authority: Yo, boys - Yank yer heads outta the dark place and work out a
peace deal. Just note that Camp David is now closed.
I'm ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France,
Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.
I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many U.N. diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan, with more than two unpaid
tickets, to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and
crushed. I don't give a damn about whatever treaty pertains to this. Pay
your tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers, and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world.
The U.N. will be given 365 days to relocate to another country. The U.S.
will hereafter pay its financial assessment based on a pro-rata share by population. Perhaps this will encourage family planning in many of the countries on list 2.
A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are going to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not
pissing us off for a change.
Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government
really need an attitude adjustment. I have a couple extra tank and
infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I'm gonna put 'em? Yep,
border security. We will immediately institute a program of 'qualified'
immigration and return the unacceptable applicants and all current illegal immigrants to their home countries.
So start doing something with your oil. Oh, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty---starting now.
It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens.
Some will accuse us of xenophobia. My response is simple and direct: if
you can play that word in Scrabble, do it as soon as your turn comes
around. It is not a perfect world but we will work towards it at home
from now on. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them be
saying darn tootin'. Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet.
It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate
homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup soccer from
America.
We will develop energy independence. We will restructure our nation for
its isolationist destiny.
I will be sending legislation to Congress tomorrow proposing the first
actions that that august body should take as we move in a new direction.
Finally, I have to run for a second term of office. After that the First
Lady and I will retire to our Texas ranch and have some fun. Laura and I
have been talking about takin' one of those cruises up to Alaska.
Personally, I couldn't care less who gets elected in 2008. Throw a little
fascism into the mix and elect Senator Clinton. She can appoint the
editorial board of the New York Times to her Cabinet.
To the nations on List 2, a final thought. Drop dead.
To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you.
God bless America.
Thank you and good night...