Dave Schwartz
10-31-2008, 01:40 PM
Notice to All Employees
As of November 5, 2008, when President Obama is officially elected into
office, our company will instill a few new policies which are in keeping
with his new, inspiring issues of change and fairness:
1. All salespeople will be pooling their sales commissions into a common
pool that will be divided equally between all of you. This will serve to
give those of you who are underachieving a 'fair shake.'
2. All hourly employees will be pooling their wages, including overtime,
into a common pool, dividing it equally amongst yourselves. This will help
those who are 'too busy for overtime' to reap the rewards from those who
have more spare time and can work extra hours.
3. All top management will now be referred to as 'the government.' We will
not participate in this 'pooling' experience because the law doesn't apply
to us.
4. The 'government' will give eloquent speeches to all employees every week,
encouraging its workers to continue to work hard 'for the good of all.'
5. The employees will be thrilled with these new policies because it's 'good
to spread the wealth.' Those of you who have underachieved will finally get
an opportunity; those of you who have worked hard and had success will feel
more 'patriotic.'
6. The last few people who were hired should clean out their desks. Don't
feel bad though, because President Obama will give you free healthcare, free
handouts, free oil for heating your home, free food stamps, and he'll let
you stay in your home for as long as you want even if you can't pay your
mortgage. If you appeal directly to our democratic congress, you might even
get a free flat screen TV and a coupon for free haircuts (shouldn't all
Americans be entitled to nice looking hair?) !!!
If for any reason you are not happy with the new policies, you may want to
rethink your vote on November 4th.
As of November 5, 2008, when President Obama is officially elected into
office, our company will instill a few new policies which are in keeping
with his new, inspiring issues of change and fairness:
1. All salespeople will be pooling their sales commissions into a common
pool that will be divided equally between all of you. This will serve to
give those of you who are underachieving a 'fair shake.'
2. All hourly employees will be pooling their wages, including overtime,
into a common pool, dividing it equally amongst yourselves. This will help
those who are 'too busy for overtime' to reap the rewards from those who
have more spare time and can work extra hours.
3. All top management will now be referred to as 'the government.' We will
not participate in this 'pooling' experience because the law doesn't apply
to us.
4. The 'government' will give eloquent speeches to all employees every week,
encouraging its workers to continue to work hard 'for the good of all.'
5. The employees will be thrilled with these new policies because it's 'good
to spread the wealth.' Those of you who have underachieved will finally get
an opportunity; those of you who have worked hard and had success will feel
more 'patriotic.'
6. The last few people who were hired should clean out their desks. Don't
feel bad though, because President Obama will give you free healthcare, free
handouts, free oil for heating your home, free food stamps, and he'll let
you stay in your home for as long as you want even if you can't pay your
mortgage. If you appeal directly to our democratic congress, you might even
get a free flat screen TV and a coupon for free haircuts (shouldn't all
Americans be entitled to nice looking hair?) !!!
If for any reason you are not happy with the new policies, you may want to
rethink your vote on November 4th.