This Guy . . .

[Dick Schmidt]

A guy is sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" he asks.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pant pocket with the name MARYLOU on it" she replies.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, MARYLOU was the name of one of the horses I wanted to be sure to bet on" he explains.

She looks satisfied and apologizes. Three days later he is again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.

When he comes to, he says "What the hell was that for?

She says -"Your horse phoned"

[andicap]

Great, Dick.

here's another good one I got recently:


I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck
causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver
enough that he hung his arm out his window and flipped the woman off.

"Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on
an 8 lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car
every 40 feet per lane. That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every
mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day. Statistically, half of these are driven by females, That's 18,000.

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Flip one off?....... I think not.