Cangamble
04-01-2008, 01:37 PM
WOODBINE TO DROP TRACK TAKEOUT TO A 15% MAXIMUM
(Special to Cangamble)
Davey Willnut (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=willnut), head honcho at the Woodbine Interdicting (http://www.thefreedictionary.com/interdicting) Group announced today, that he is going to aggressively drop takeout rates for the 2008 Woodbine thoroughbred meet, when it starts at an unadvertised date sometimes this month.
"It finally hit me that we are not attracting new players," Willnut said, "our illegal collusive tactics just aren't working, we are not the only game in town anymore. Our feeble attempts to eliminate the competition has stopped working, we must compete now in order to grow."
"We've decided that we don't want to depend on mooch degenerate gamblers who just don't care about how ridiculously high are takeouts are," Willnut continued, "they only have limited bankrolls in most cases, and all we have done with our technological advancements is make it easier for these clowns to lose their gambling money in a much faster time."
"We've decided that win, place, and show bets will have a 12% takeout, while all other bets will be at 15%," said Willnut, "I'm sure we will not only get the gambling money from our regular client base, just at a slightly slower rate, but we will also attract many bettors who have left us for Betfair, for example. We will also probably attract many online poker bettors, now that we have made the game possibly beatable. We may even create a buzz amongst bettors who are actually making money or coming very close at least. They may start bringing their friends."
"I was ashamed and disgusted with myself when I read on the Cangamble blog, that Woodbine has the 7th highest track takeout (http://cangamble.blogspot.com/2008/03/woodbine-ranks-52nd-out-of-58-when-it.html) out of 58 racetracks." Willnut when on, "I now consider myself a visionary. I will save horse racing with this initiative. My dad used to call me and my brother dumb and dumber. I'm going to rectify the dumb part of his statement, or was I the dumber...it doesn't matter now, because now I am smart."
When asked if he was able to get these low takeouts passed easily he said, "It wasn't easy. I received a lot resistance from Mick Kookass, the Director of the Horsemen And Elephants Association. He pleaded with me not to risk his cushy job with this move, because the reality is that if this fails, and the horsemen end up with less money in their purse account, Mick will most likely have to play poker professionally to make a living, and between you and me, he has lost his edge. Whenever he has a good hand, he pulls on a nose hair. All the pro players have him figured out."
"I realize dropping takeouts is a risk, but we ask our cherished loyal customers to take a risk every day when they bet on our product," said Willnut, "For instance, the other tracks out there may not play ball. They may make our product less appealing by ramping up the takeout on our product to much higher levels for their customers, like we do in many instances, or they might not show our signal anymore, like we did when Laurel reduced takeouts last year for 12 days. Many racetrack executives, I have to admit, don't give a rats ass about the betting public, and especially their own customers. They are such unscrupulous, arrogant, idiotic basturds."
Is Davey Willnut worried? "I'm pretty confident our bottom line will increase dramatically from here, but just in case, I'm not going to buy anymore new expensive suits until I know for sure."
(Special to Cangamble)
Davey Willnut (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=willnut), head honcho at the Woodbine Interdicting (http://www.thefreedictionary.com/interdicting) Group announced today, that he is going to aggressively drop takeout rates for the 2008 Woodbine thoroughbred meet, when it starts at an unadvertised date sometimes this month.
"It finally hit me that we are not attracting new players," Willnut said, "our illegal collusive tactics just aren't working, we are not the only game in town anymore. Our feeble attempts to eliminate the competition has stopped working, we must compete now in order to grow."
"We've decided that we don't want to depend on mooch degenerate gamblers who just don't care about how ridiculously high are takeouts are," Willnut continued, "they only have limited bankrolls in most cases, and all we have done with our technological advancements is make it easier for these clowns to lose their gambling money in a much faster time."
"We've decided that win, place, and show bets will have a 12% takeout, while all other bets will be at 15%," said Willnut, "I'm sure we will not only get the gambling money from our regular client base, just at a slightly slower rate, but we will also attract many bettors who have left us for Betfair, for example. We will also probably attract many online poker bettors, now that we have made the game possibly beatable. We may even create a buzz amongst bettors who are actually making money or coming very close at least. They may start bringing their friends."
"I was ashamed and disgusted with myself when I read on the Cangamble blog, that Woodbine has the 7th highest track takeout (http://cangamble.blogspot.com/2008/03/woodbine-ranks-52nd-out-of-58-when-it.html) out of 58 racetracks." Willnut when on, "I now consider myself a visionary. I will save horse racing with this initiative. My dad used to call me and my brother dumb and dumber. I'm going to rectify the dumb part of his statement, or was I the dumber...it doesn't matter now, because now I am smart."
When asked if he was able to get these low takeouts passed easily he said, "It wasn't easy. I received a lot resistance from Mick Kookass, the Director of the Horsemen And Elephants Association. He pleaded with me not to risk his cushy job with this move, because the reality is that if this fails, and the horsemen end up with less money in their purse account, Mick will most likely have to play poker professionally to make a living, and between you and me, he has lost his edge. Whenever he has a good hand, he pulls on a nose hair. All the pro players have him figured out."
"I realize dropping takeouts is a risk, but we ask our cherished loyal customers to take a risk every day when they bet on our product," said Willnut, "For instance, the other tracks out there may not play ball. They may make our product less appealing by ramping up the takeout on our product to much higher levels for their customers, like we do in many instances, or they might not show our signal anymore, like we did when Laurel reduced takeouts last year for 12 days. Many racetrack executives, I have to admit, don't give a rats ass about the betting public, and especially their own customers. They are such unscrupulous, arrogant, idiotic basturds."
Is Davey Willnut worried? "I'm pretty confident our bottom line will increase dramatically from here, but just in case, I'm not going to buy anymore new expensive suits until I know for sure."