Gambling Blonde

[IRISHLADSTABLE]

Gambling Blonde
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman from Alabama arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she stripped to the waist, rolled the dice, and yelled, "Come on, baby.... Southern Girl needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down... and
squealed... "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers.. and then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching."

Moral ---

Not all Southerners are stupid.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But, all men..... are men.

[sammy the sage]

MY LIVING WILL
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said
to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some
machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the
plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my vodka.

She's such a bitch....

[sammy the sage]

What It Means To Be Irish:

1) You will never play professional basketball.

2) You swear very well.

3) At least one of your cousins is a fireman, cop, bar owner, funeral
home owner or holds political office.

4) You think you sing very well.

5) You have no idea how to make a long story short!

6) There isn't a big difference between you losing your temper or
killing someone...

7) Much of y our childhood meals were boiled.

8) You have never hit your head on a ceiling.

9) You spent a good portion of your childhood kneeling in prayer.

10) You're strangely poetic after a few beers.

11) You are, therefore, poetic a lot.

12) You will be punched for no good reason...a lot.

13) Some punches directed at you are from legacies of past generations.

14) Many of your sisters and/or cousins are named Mary, Catherine or
Eileen.. and there is at least one member of your family with the full
name of Mary Catherine Eileen.

15) Someone in your family is incredibly cheap. It is more than likely
you.

16) You may not know the words, but that doesn't stop you from singing.

17) You can't wait for the other guy to stop talking before you start
talking.

18) You're not nearly as funny as you think you are...but what you lack
in talent, you make up for in frequency.

19) There was not a huge difference between your last Wake and your
last keg party.

20) You are, or know someone, named Murph.

21) If you don't know Murph then you know Mac. If you don't know Murph
or Mac then you know Sully. Then you probably know Sully McMurphy.

22) You are genetically incapable of keeping a secret.

23) You have Irish Alzheimer's... your forget everything but the
grudges!

24) "Irish Stew" is a euphemism for "boiled leftovers."

25) All of your losses are alcohol related (loss of virginity, loss of
drivers license, loss of money, loss of job, loss of significant other,
loss of teeth from punch...) but it never stops you from drinking.

[PaceAdvantage]

Isn't it weird how it's socially acceptable to tell jokes about one group of folks (blondes, Polish, Irish), but others are off limits, especially for white folks....

[098poi]

You know how they know Jesus was Jewish? (Relax it's just a joke)

He went into his father's business,
He lived with his parents till he was thirty,
And his mother thought he was God!:D

[DJofSD]

"Boy, this water's cold!"

"Ya, deep too!"

[sammy the sage]

wo Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!

[sammy the sage]

Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O'Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick developed cancer, and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn, "O'Brian, come 'ere. I 'ave a request for ye." Shawn walked to his friend's bedside and kneels.

"Shawny ole boy, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."

O'Brian burst into tears, "Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It's done."

"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."

O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend's request, he asked, "Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"

[Tom]

Q - What's Irish and stays out all night?

A - Paddy O'Furniture!