Post your jokes, funny or weird here

[betsall]

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

[betsall]

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal labotomy

[betsall]

The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

[betsall]

Who said this..?


I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them.

[betsall]

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko

[ezrabrooks]

An Irishman walks out of a bar...

[betsall]

http://www.killsometime.com/Video/video.asp?ID=353

[Greyfox]

An Irishman walks out of a bar...

:lol: :lol:

[harnesslover]

A Pakistani man is distraught over his wife leaving him and calls the suicide hotline. The man explains that he has nothing to live for and wants to end it all. Hearing the news, the hotline counselor excitedly asks "ok, would you prefer to drive a bus or fly a plane?"

[Tom]

Reminds me of the time I was in Africa. I shot an elephant in my pajamas.
How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

[Greyfox]

A recent poll of Americans looked at whether or not they were worried about the possibility of the borders being breached by illegal immigrants who might sneak in.

18 % said Yes

12 % said Si Si.

30 % said поступать в отношении друг

30 % said وكان الفراغ من نساخة هذه النسخة المباركة

10 % shrugged, indicating they didn't understand the question.

[ljb]

An American, a Canadian, and an Australian were sitting in a
seedy bar enjoying a few beers.

The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp,
then he threw the glass into the air and shot it with his
handgun. As he set the handgun on the bar, he told the
Canadian and the Australian that in the great U.S. of A,
they had so much money they never drank out of the same
glass twice.

Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into the
air and shot the glass with the American's gun. As he was
setting the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in
Australia they had so much sand that glass was cheap and he
too never drank out of the same glass twice.

Next the Canadian drank his beer, grabbed the gun off the
bar, and shot the American. As he was setting the gun back
on the bar, he told the Australian that in Canada we have
so many Americans you never have to drink with the same one
twice.

[shanta]

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.
--

[shanta]

Poor Skippy!



A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later , she was beginnin g to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!" Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.
She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!"

[Steve 'StatMan']

A man goes to visit the Psychologist.

Psychologist askes "What brings you here to see me"

The man says "I can't stop obsessing about women's breasts. I'm constantly thinking about women's brests. Everything reminds me about women's breasts."

Psychologist says "Let's try some word-associations, I'll say a word, you say the first thought you have....Apples."

The man says "Breasts."

Psychologist: "Peaches"

Man: "Breasts."

Psychologist: "Windshield Wipers"

Man: "Breasts"

Psychologist: "You mean to tell me my saying 'Windshield Wipers' makes you think of women's breasts?!"

Man: "Well, yeah, two of them."

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I keep recalling this joke lately with all the obsessing here in off-topic about Iraq & Bush and how some folks just can't seem to talk about anything else and keep bringing it into all kinds of topics.

Of course, I read this joke long before the Iraq war, so no telling if it would have gotten the man's mind off of women's breasts. Probably not though, since there were two Gulf Wars. ;)

[Tom]

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, 'May I have 50 Christmas stamps?'
The clerk says, 'What denomination?'
The blonde says, 'Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22......

[Marshall Bennett]

How about the blonde that told her boss she only had one more sheet of paper for her printer . He told her to go over and get some from the copy machine .
So she placed the last sheet in the copy machine and made 200 blank copys .

[Tom]

If you liked Benny Hill, you'll love this one......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iMlF2PNgN70

[Pell Mell]

One of the wise guys had a deaf and dumb brother, so one day he asks the DON if he couldn't find some kind of job his brother could do. The boss says,"Bring him around and I'll find something he can do".

Since the brother can't talk or hear, the boss turns him into a bag man picking up the gambling and protection receipts and everything is working out fine.

Some time later the guy gets a call and the boss tells him to bring the dummy over right away. When they get there the boss puts a gun to the dummy's head and tells the brother, who talks to his brother with sign language, ask him what he did with the 50 grand he picked up and if he don't tell, I'm going to blow his freak'n brains out. Using sign language, he asks his brother, "What did you do with the money?". The dummy says, "I buried it under the apple tree in Mom's yard". The boss says, "Wha'd he say?". "He says you ain't got the balls to pull the trigger".

[spicytomato]

One of the wise guys had a deaf and dumb brother, so one day he asks the DON if he couldn't find some kind of job his brother could do. The boss says,"Bring him around and I'll find something he can do".

Since the brother can't talk or hear, the boss turns him into a bag man picking up the gambling and protection receipts and everything is working out fine.

Some time later the guy gets a call and the boss tells him to bring the dummy over right away. When they get there the boss puts a gun to the dummy's head and tells the brother, who talks to his brother with sign language, ask him what he did with the 50 grand he picked up and if he don't tell, I'm going to blow his freak'n brains out. Using sign language, he asks his brother, "What did you do with the money?". The dummy says, "I buried it under the apple tree in Mom's yard". The boss says, "Wha'd he say?". "He says you ain't got the balls to pull the trigger".



thanks !! LOL :lol: :lol: :D

[ArlJim78]

The schedule has been announced for the 2008 DNC convention. The stars will be out so get your tickets early.

7:00 pm Opening flag burning

7:15 pm Pledge of Allegiance to the U.N. in Spanish

7:20 pm Ted Kennedy (http://amazon.com/gp/product/6303500986?ie=UTF8&tag=linkgrotto-20&link_code=em1&camp=212341&creative=384049&creativeASIN=6303500986&adid=cd03e93e-b84b-4b13-9131-2401f4ce4d50) proposes a toast

7:25 pm Nonreligious prayer and worship with Jessie Jackson & Al Sharpton

7:45 pm Ceremonial tree hugging

7:55 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast (http://amazon.com/gp/product/B000QMVU1A?ie=UTF8&tag=linkgrotto-20&link_code=em1&camp=212341&creative=384049&creativeASIN=B000QMVU1A&adid=e6e48996-c66b-4515-9746-4d1dcad87e4c)

8:00 pm "How I Invented the Internet" - Al Gore

8:35 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

8:40 pm Our Troops are War Criminals - John Kerry

9:00 pm Saddam Memorial Rally - Cindy Sheehan (http://amazon.com/gp/product/0743297911?ie=UTF8&tag=linkgrotto-20&link_code=em1&camp=212341&creative=384049&creativeASIN=0743297911&adid=67bf93d1-a316-4b7d-8304-aa1e1fff6a14) and Susan Sarandon (http://amazon.com/gp/product/0767021150?ie=UTF8&tag=linkgrotto-20&link_code=em1&camp=212341&creative=384049&creativeASIN=0767021150&adid=285ab106-1e72-47c2-b4ed-40da12097e53)

11:00 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

11:05 pm Collection for the Osama Bin Laden (http://amazon.com/gp/product/B00005U1TR?ie=UTF8&tag=linkgrotto-20&link_code=em1&camp=212341&creative=384049&creativeASIN=B00005U1TR&adid=b3cfead1-c461-465c-a981-6aa092f9e393) kidney transplant fund - Barbara Streisand

11:15 pm Free the Freedom Fighters from Guantanamo Bay - Sean Penn

11:30 pm Oval Office Affairs - William Jefferson Clinton

11:45 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

11:50 pm How George Bush Brought Down the World Trade Towers - Howard Dean & Rosie O'Donnell

12:15 am "Truth in Broadcasting Award" - Presented to Dan Rather by Michael Moore (http://amazon.com/gp/product/B000UNYJXQ?ie=UTF8&tag=linkgrotto-20&link_code=em1&camp=212341&creative=384049&creativeASIN=B000UNYJXQ&adid=3da06510-815d-4b85-be56-173d470f9ffa)

12:25 am Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

12:30 am Satellite address by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

12:45 am Nomination of Hilary Rodham Clinton by Nancy Pelosi (http://amazon.com/gp/product/0822586851?ie=UTF8&tag=linkgrotto-20&link_code=em1&camp=212341&creative=384049&creativeASIN=0822586851&adid=2769b931-2f8d-4564-919d-c0a11be49f5a)

12:43 am Speech & Toast to the departure of "the Great Satan", G.W. Bush - Hugo Chavez

12:50 am Hillary proposes a toast to our 89 million new Democratic Mexican voters

1:00 am Ted Kennedy proposes a toast to the extinction of the Republican Party

1:05 am Coronation of Hilary Rodham Clinton

1:30 am Ted Kennedy Proposes a toast

1:35 am Bill Clinton (http://amazon.com/gp/product/0767014324?ie=UTF8&tag=linkgrotto-20&link_code=em1&camp=212341&creative=384049&creativeASIN=0767014324&adid=03eaa1f7-1d58-4649-b852-c9d379ac16df) asks Ted Kennedy to drive Hilary home

[ljb]

Well this thread was a nice break from the normal political bickering here. And then this guy posts a political slam of Democrats. Of course I am going to respond with a joke about Republicans. So I google Republican jokes, click on "Republican jokes" and up comes Huckabee's page.

[ArlJim78]

Well this thread was a nice break from the normal political bickering here. And then this guy posts a political slam of Democrats. Of course I am going to respond with a joke about Republicans. So I google Republican jokes, click on "Republican jokes" and up comes Huckabee's page.
try laughing once in awhile, it might help. I posted it here because it was a joke and not meant as a political slam. I figured most people would catch on to that.
by all means if you have something funny about Huckabee post it. I can laugh at all of them.

[Tom]

Arlim.....very funny stuff.:lol:

[Indulto]

Arlim.....very funny stuff.:lol:Anybody who thought Steve Colbert's (SP?) routine at the White House was funny should find Arlim's contribution amusing as well. I liked the line about Ted Kennedy driving Hilary home.

[Tom]

That was my favorite.

[Marshall Bennett]

The schedule has been announced for the 2008 DNC convention. The stars will be out so get your tickets early.

7:00 pm Opening flag burning

7:15 pm Pledge of Allegiance to the U.N. in Spanish

7:20 pm Ted Kennedy (http://amazon.com/gp/product/6303500986?ie=UTF8&tag=linkgrotto-20&link_code=em1&camp=212341&creative=384049&creativeASIN=6303500986&adid=cd03e93e-b84b-4b13-9131-2401f4ce4d50) proposes a toast

7:25 pm Nonreligious prayer and worship with Jessie Jackson & Al Sharpton

7:45 pm Ceremonial tree hugging

7:55 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast (http://amazon.com/gp/product/B000QMVU1A?ie=UTF8&tag=linkgrotto-20&link_code=em1&camp=212341&creative=384049&creativeASIN=B000QMVU1A&adid=e6e48996-c66b-4515-9746-4d1dcad87e4c)

8:00 pm "How I Invented the Internet" - Al Gore

8:35 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

8:40 pm Our Troops are War Criminals - John Kerry

9:00 pm Saddam Memorial Rally - Cindy Sheehan (http://amazon.com/gp/product/0743297911?ie=UTF8&tag=linkgrotto-20&link_code=em1&camp=212341&creative=384049&creativeASIN=0743297911&adid=67bf93d1-a316-4b7d-8304-aa1e1fff6a14) and Susan Sarandon (http://amazon.com/gp/product/0767021150?ie=UTF8&tag=linkgrotto-20&link_code=em1&camp=212341&creative=384049&creativeASIN=0767021150&adid=285ab106-1e72-47c2-b4ed-40da12097e53)

11:00 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

11:05 pm Collection for the Osama Bin Laden (http://amazon.com/gp/product/B00005U1TR?ie=UTF8&tag=linkgrotto-20&link_code=em1&camp=212341&creative=384049&creativeASIN=B00005U1TR&adid=b3cfead1-c461-465c-a981-6aa092f9e393) kidney transplant fund - Barbara Streisand

11:15 pm Free the Freedom Fighters from Guantanamo Bay - Sean Penn

11:30 pm Oval Office Affairs - William Jefferson Clinton

11:45 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

11:50 pm How George Bush Brought Down the World Trade Towers - Howard Dean & Rosie O'Donnell

12:15 am "Truth in Broadcasting Award" - Presented to Dan Rather by Michael Moore (http://amazon.com/gp/product/B000UNYJXQ?ie=UTF8&tag=linkgrotto-20&link_code=em1&camp=212341&creative=384049&creativeASIN=B000UNYJXQ&adid=3da06510-815d-4b85-be56-173d470f9ffa)

12:25 am Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

12:30 am Satellite address by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

12:45 am Nomination of Hilary Rodham Clinton by Nancy Pelosi (http://amazon.com/gp/product/0822586851?ie=UTF8&tag=linkgrotto-20&link_code=em1&camp=212341&creative=384049&creativeASIN=0822586851&adid=2769b931-2f8d-4564-919d-c0a11be49f5a)

12:43 am Speech & Toast to the departure of "the Great Satan", G.W. Bush - Hugo Chavez

12:50 am Hillary proposes a toast to our 89 million new Democratic Mexican voters

1:00 am Ted Kennedy proposes a toast to the extinction of the Republican Party

1:05 am Coronation of Hilary Rodham Clinton

1:30 am Ted Kennedy Proposes a toast

1:35 am Bill Clinton (http://amazon.com/gp/product/0767014324?ie=UTF8&tag=linkgrotto-20&link_code=em1&camp=212341&creative=384049&creativeASIN=0767014324&adid=03eaa1f7-1d58-4649-b852-c9d379ac16df) asks Ted Kennedy to drive Hilary home
Will Ted be taking the route with the most bridges LOL ???

[Steve 'StatMan']

Will Ted be taking the route with the most bridges LOL ???

Yes, but only the bridges Michael Moore hasn't already burned. ;)

Well, I did want to stay away from political humor, but that one, I just had to.

[ljb]

try laughing once in awhile, it might help. I posted it here because it was a joke and not meant as a political slam. I figured most people would catch on to that.
by all means if you have something funny about Huckabee post it. I can laugh at all of them.
Did you feel the breeze when my post went over your head ?
I clicked on Republican Jokes and up came Huckabee's home page.

[shanta]

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black
hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse
was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short
distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The man
couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man
walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know
now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral
like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife
when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two
men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"


"Get in line."

:eek: :eek:

[ArlJim78]

Did you feel the breeze when my post went over your head ?
I clicked on Republican Jokes and up came Huckabee's home page.
no i got it, just didn't find it very funny, half a chuckle maybe. keep trying though.

[The Judge]

Very fuuny.

[Jeff P]

A newlywed couple on their honeymoon are about to have sex for the very first time. As the groom makes his move the bride stops him. "That'll cost you $20.00," she says.

"What?" he asks, amazed.

"You heard me. It's going to cost you $20.00," she insists.

Something in the tone of her voice tells him that she is serious. So he reluctantly reaches into his wallet, takes out a $20.00 bill, and hands it to her.

Over the years it becomes a game that they play. Every time he wants sex she makes him pay her $20.00.

Later in life, when he is in his fifties his company lays him off. Because of his age he is having trouble finding work. After six months of pounding pavement, making phone calls, scouring the want ads, and sending out resumes... without so much as a single job interview to show for it, he finds himself getting more than a little worried.

"Honey," he tells his wife, "I've been looking for a job for a solid six months now. Every day I search through the want ads and send out resumes. I follow up with phone calls. Yesterday I went to an office building and knocked on every door. I'm starting to get the feeling nobody wants to hire me because of my age. I don't know what we're going to do. I'm worried that we'll burn through everything we've saved over the years."

"I'm not worried at all," she says.

"You're not?" he says.

"No. Remember all those $20.00 bills you gave me over the years?" she asks. "We'll I never told you, but I used that money to invest and buy stocks. You don't know this but we're actually pretty well off."

"How well off?" he asks.

Sit down," she says, taking his hand. "Even if nobody hires you we are going to be just fine. In fact, you never have to work another day in your life if you don't want to. We have a stock portfolio that's worth over five million dollars."

"Really?" he asks.

"Yes," she says. "We really do."

He is stunned. Here he was worried they'd be out on the street and come to find out they are millionaires. He doesn't know what to say. Finally he says, "That's incredible. You built a stock portfolio worth over five million $20.00 at a time?"

"Yes," she says.

"Wow," he says. "If I had known you could do THAT I'd have given you ALL of my business."



-jp

.

[shanta]

A newlywed couple on their honeymoon are about to have sex for the very first time. As the groom makes his move the bride stops him. "That'll cost you $20.00," she says.

"What?" he asks, amazed.

"You heard me. It's going to cost you $20.00," she insists.

Something in the tone of her voice tells him that she is serious. So he reluctantly reaches into his wallet, takes out a $20.00 bill, and hands it to her.

Over the years it becomes a game that they play. Every time he wants sex she makes him pay her $20.00.

Later in life, when he is in his fifties his company lays him off. Because of his age he is having trouble finding work. After six months of pounding pavement, making phone calls, scouring the want ads, and sending out resumes... without so much as a single job interview to show for it, he finds himself getting more than a little worried.

"Honey," he tells his wife, "I've been looking for a job for a solid six months now. Every day I search through the want ads and send out resumes. I follow up with phone calls. Yesterday I went to an office building and knocked on every door. I'm starting to get the feeling nobody wants to hire me because of my age. I don't know what we're going to do. I'm worried that we'll burn through everything we've saved over the years."

"I'm not worried at all," she says.

"You're not?" he says.

"No. Remember all those $20.00 bills you gave me over the years?" she asks. "We'll I never told you, but I used that money to invest and buy stocks. You don't know this but we're actually pretty well off."

"How well off?" he asks.

Sit down," she says, taking his hand. "Even if nobody hires you we are going to be just fine. In fact, you never have to work another day in your life if you don't want to. We have a stock portfolio that's worth over five million dollars."

"Really?" he asks.

"Yes," she says. "We really do."

He is stunned. Here he was worried they'd be out on the street and come to find out they are millionaires. He doesn't know what to say. Finally he says, "That's incredible. You built a stock portfolio worth over five million $20.00 at a time?"

"Yes," she says.

"Wow," he says. "If I had known you could do THAT I'd have given you ALL of my business."



-jp

.

:lol: :lol:

[Tom]

Full of Hot Air

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "But how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You've made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect ME to solve your problem. You're in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now, it's MY fault.

[Pace Cap'n]

A sailor meets a pirate in a port, and the conversation turns to their adventures at the sea. The sailor notes that the pirate has a wooden leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The sailor asks: "So, how did you end up with the wooden leg?"

Pirate: "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a group of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off"

Sailor: "Wow! What about the hook?"

Pirate: "We were boarding an enemy ship and battling the other sailors with swords. One of them cut my hand off"

Sailor: "And the eye patch?"

Pirate: "Sea gull droppings fell into my eye."

Sailor: "You lost your eye to a sea gull droppings?!?"

Pirate: "No, it was my first day with the hook"

[DJofSD]

A temperance worker approaches the podium during a revival meeting.

"Ladies and gentleman, I've come here today to tell you about the evils of drink! The devil alcohol!"

"It's the devil's brew and partaking of it will start you down the road to perdition!"

"However, as assured as I am that you've all heard this before but persist in tempting fate, let me demonstrate to you that not only is whiskey bad for your spiritual welfare, it is a danger to your God given body."

At this point, the preacher reaches under the podium and places two glasses with liquid in them on the top for all to see.

"Here, in this glass, is life-giving water, a gift from our Lord, pure and clear. In this other glass, the evil barley-corn, the cursed liquid."

"Observe, and soon, it will be apparent to you all that I speak the truth!"

At which point he reaches into his jacket pocket and produces a box.

"My brothers and sister, behold, the lowly earth worm. Now watch as I demostrate to you and so that you may learn!"

The bible-thumper first slowly lowers the worm into the glass of water then pulls it out, holding it up for all to watch it while it wiggles.

He next places it over the glass of whiskey and with a glee in his eye, slowly places the worm into the glass. He then quickly pulls it out.

He yells, "Look, see how the worm writhes in pain, shrivelling, soon to be dead."

"Now, ladies and gentlemen, what does that prove?"

And from the back of the tent in a loud voice you hear, "If you drink alcohol, you'll never get worms!"

[Steve 'StatMan']

Three old mischievous Grandma's were sitting on a bench outside a
nursing home when an old Grampa walked by.

One of the old grandma's said, "Bet we can tell how old you are."

The old grampa said, "No way can you guess how old I am."

One of the Grandma's said, "Sure, you can just drop your pants and undershorts and we can tell your exact age."

Embarassed a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he
dropped his pants and shorts. The Grandmas asked him to turn around
a few times and to jump up and down a few times.

The three of them piped up and said, "You're 87 yrs old."

Standing with his pants down around his ankles the old gent asked,
"How in the world did you guess?"

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old Grandma's happily yelled, "We were at your birthday party yesterday!"

[Tom]

How Do You Drown A Blonde?
How Do You Drown A Blonde?

Put a scratch and sniff sticker, at the bottom of a pool!

* * * * *

blood test
Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very loudly.
2nd Child: Why are you crying?
1st Child: I came here for a blood test.
2nd Child: So? Are you afraid?
1st Child: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.

At this, the second one started crying profusely.
The first one was astonished.

1st Child: Why are you crying now?
2nd Child: I came for a urine test !

[Tom]

Lying Politicians
A bus carrying all of the democrat candiates to their next debate was driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, it ran off the road, and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate.

He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the candidates. A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.The old farmer said he had buried them.The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, Hillary and Edwards said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

[Robert Goren]

Lying Politicians
A bus carrying all of the democrat candiates to their next debate was driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, it ran off the road, and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate.

He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the candidates. A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.The old farmer said he had buried them.The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, Hillary and Edwards said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie." It is an old joke. I first heard about Reagan and the elder Bush in the spring of 1980. I suspect it is lot older than that. It is still funny no matter which candidates you put in. :D

[Horsepicker]

While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 10 mph over ), I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge.

The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me, "What's the hurry?"

I replied, " I'm late for work ."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

I responed, "I'm a rectum stretcher."

The cop said, "What!?!?.....a rectum stretcher?!?..and what does a rectum stretcher do?"

I said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand, then I work until I can get both hand's in there and then I slowly stretch it until it's 6 feet wide."

The cop asked me, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"

I simply replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge..."

The ticket---$95 dollars. The look on his face,
PRICELESS. :jump: :D :faint: :lol:

[Tom]

A guy walks into the hospital emegency room and a little boy is sitting there crying.
"What's wrong? Why are you crying?" he asks.
"I needed a blood test and they cut my finger!" he replied, holding up a bandaged index finger.
The man then started crying.
"What's wrong? Why are you crying now?" the little boy asked?
"I'm here for a URINE test!" the man replied.

[ljb]

Are cartoons allowed?
https://www.moveon.org/images/bigfinalbushrovead.gif

[DJofSD]

So, who knows what the joke is that is being told in the movie "M. I. B." while "J" and "K" are in the bar?

[betchatoo]

This Jewish lady is sitting in a secluded area of a beach in Florida when a man she's never seen before sits down near her. Liking the way he looks she decides to strike up a conversation
"Are you new here?"
The man answers in one word, "Yes."
Trying to get him to talk more she figures she'll ask about hobbies. "Do you play golf?"
"No."
"Do you like to read?"
"No."
Frustrated she thinks that maybe he's into animals so she asks, "Do you like pussy cats?"
At this point he looks at her, gets up, rips off all her clothes and proceeds to make mad. passionate love to her. When they're finished she looks up, very satisfied and says, "How did you know that's just what I needed?"
And he says, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

[Tom]

Two guys are flying in a private plane, when the engine sputters and dies.
"Uh oh," says thge pilot. We have a fuel leak. I'm gliding right now."
"How far can we go gliding?" asks the passenger.
"Oh, we'll make it all the way to the crash site."

[ljb]

A stats major was completely hung over the day of his final
exam. It was a True/False test, so he decided to flip a
coin for the answers. The stats professor watched the
student the entire two hours as he was flipping the coin...
writing the answer...flipping the coin...writing the answer.
At the end of the two hours, everyone else had left the
final except for the one student. The professor walks up
to his desk and interrupts the student, saying:

"Listen, I have seen that you did not study for this
statisticts test, you didn't even open the exam. If you are
just flipping a coin for your answer, what is taking you so
long?

The student replies bitterly (as he is still flipping the
coin): "Shhh! I am checking my answers!"

[Indulto]

... And he says, "How did you know my name was Katz?":lol: (gasp) :lol: (gasp) :lol:

[smokinjoe@bp]

PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT---Cajun STYLE

Boudreaux done got old and his childen dun put him in the old folks home near Beau Bridge , Louisiana where he dun met a lovely lady dat were from Texas . Now Boudreaux being a fine upstanding Catholic, he didn't want to do nutin dat were aganst his religio n, no. So he dun propose marriage. Now both Boudreaux and Mable were in their 80's.



Mable went and told everyone at the Senior Citizens home the good news. Irene, Mable's best friend told her that since she was very wealthy and the person she was about to wed was, well to say the least not worth much and she should insist on a Prenuptial Agreement.



Mable was sitting on the porch swing with Boudreaux and she told him she would marry him providing he would sign a prenuptial agreement.



Boudreaux dun told Mable "I'll sign agreement, you bet, 'cause I luv you so much."



Mable got out her pen and paper and started:


She said: I want to keep my house down in Texas with all the oil wells.
He said: That's fine with me. I'll keep my shak on the bayou.
She said: I want to keep my Cadillac, BMW and Lexus.
He said: That's fine with me. I'll keep my pi ck 'em up truck.

She said: I want to keep my yacht that is moored near my summer home in Padre Island , Texas .

He said: That's fine with me. I'll keep my pirogue on the bayou.

She said: I want to keep all my jewelry.

He said: That's fine with me.
She said: I want to have sex 6 times a week.
He said: Put me down for Fridays.

[46zilzal]

What about this famous Moulin Rouge artist/
http://www.hecklerspray.com/awesome-or-off-putting-the-master-craftsman-of-farts/20078003.php

[ljb]

A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16
And says to the driver, "Got any I.D. ?" . .
And the driver replies "Bout wut ?"

[shanta]

Two guys are flying in a private plane, when the engine sputters and dies.
"Uh oh," says thge pilot. We have a fuel leak. I'm gliding right now."
"How far can we go gliding?" asks the passenger.
"Oh, we'll make it all the way to the crash site."

:lol: :lol:

[ldiatone]

In a class in NE a teacher asks her students to raise their hands if the Patriots are their favorite team. All of the students raise their hands except Molly. The teacher says "Molly, why didn't you raise your hands?" Molly said that's because my favorite team isn't the Patriots. The teacher says quite surprised "well who is your favorite team"? Molly answers the Pittsburgh Steelers. The teacher asks why would they be your favorite team and Molly answers because my mom and dad's favorite team is the Steelers. Angrily the teacher says well if your mom and dad were idiots or morons what would that make you..and Molly says "PATRIOT FANS"..
ldiatone

[MakinItHappen]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Las Vegas."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck." Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

[ArlJim78]

Two young boys are sitting in the living room, watching TV with their parents. The mother looks over at the father with a wink and a nod toward the stairs to the bedroom. The father "gets" the message, and they both get up and head towards the stairs.

The mother turns back to the 2 boys and says, "We're going upstairs for a minute. You two stay here and watch TV. We'll be right back, okay?"

The two boys nod okay, and the parents take off upstairs.

The oldest of the two boys is old enough to know what's going on now, and he gets up and tiptoes upstairs. At the top of the stairs, he peeks into the room and shakes his head disapprovingly. Back downstairs he goes, back to his little brother.

"Come with me, "he says, and the 2 little boys tiptoe up the stairs. Halfway up, the older brother turns to the younger brother and says, "Now I want you to keep in mind, this is the same woman who used to give us hell for sucking our thumb!!"

[shanta]

WORLD'S SHORTEST PSYCHIATRIC JOKE:

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap.

The psychiatrist says, "Well...I can clearly see your nuts."


:eek:

[DJofSD]

The psychiatrist says, "Well...I can clearly see your nuts."

How does that make you feel?

[shanta]

How does that make you feel?

Nuts

But I'm feeling much better today! :jump:

[DJofSD]

Richie, that response reminds me of "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"!

[shanta]

Richie, that response reminds me of "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"!

Lmao!

[Pace Cap'n]

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travelled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it.

Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.

He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder.

This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.

The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have "rough sex."

Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.

Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on is shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

[jognlope]

Subject: A LOVE STORY TRULY FROM THE HEART





This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went

before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, 'What did you steal?' She

replied, 'A can of peaches.' The judge then asked her why she had stolen

the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then

asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6. The judge

then said, 'I will then give you 6 days in jail.'

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's

husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The

judge said, 'What is it?'

The husband said, 'She also stole a can of peas.'

[riskman]

Don't Be Too Hasty

A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the first house of the street.

A tall lady answered the door. Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet.

"Madam, if I could not clean this up with the use of this new powerful vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this shit!", exclaimed the eager salesman.

"Do you need chilli sauce or ketchup with that" asked the lady.

The salesman asked, "Why, madam?"

"We just moved in, there's no electricity in the house!"

[Tom]

From Jay Leno:

How are middle aged men like eggs?

Both are oval shaped
Both are filled with cholesterol
Both are finished in about three minutes

[headhawg]

A man and his constantly nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, his wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150." The man thought about it and told the undertaker that he would rather have his wife shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here, and you would only have to spend $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

[bill]

WE MISS RODNEY DANGERFIELD, BECAUSE..........

He said.........

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.'I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.