boxcar
11-17-2004, 11:40 AM
MEMO TO THE LEFT:
To Michael Moore: Sit down and shut up. And do
something about your hair. And the ball cap.
To Jimmy Carter: Big mistake to sit down next to
Michael Moore at the convention. Spend more time
with drywall and the glue gun. Or start lusting in
your heart again.
To Tom Daschle: If you lean too far to the left,
voters will tend to lean right for a while, but will
eventually push you out of the boat.
To Al Gore: Please, sir, before it's too late: seek an
experienced mental health professional. You're
beginning to make Christopher Lloyd in "Back To
The Future" look downright Rotarian-like.
To Dan Rather: Enjoy your early retirement. The next
memo you get will be real.
To the DNC: Your platform must not have lurched far
enough to the left. Keep it tilting southpaw. Read
more Marx. P.S. Keep insulting the voters with your
moral and intellectual condescension too. It goes well
with that warp-speed registering of folks in plaid wool
blankets pushing shopping carts. Lovely constituency.
To Bill Clinton: Thanks for hitting the campaign trail
for Kerry. Some of us needed a reminder of what we
were trying to avoid.
To Hillary Clinton: PLEASE run in '08. The Heartland
will be hungry for more hors d'oeuvres by then.
To the MTV Kidz: Vote or die - or not. Like, whatever,
dude.
To John "Breck Girl" Edwards: Can you help Michael
Moore and Whoopi Goldberg with a little basic grooming?
To Bruce Springsteen, James Taylor, Bono, etc.: A few
of us still like your music, but if you ever want to sell
another record, just sing and don't go where you don't
know. We don't pay to hear Don Rumsfeld do air guitar
either.
To George Soros: Want to buy an election? Not in *MY*
America, you monomaniacal, socialistic buffoon.
To the Mainstream Media: Congratulations on getting
Kerry at least thirty more electoral votes than he would
have gotten without your covert support. Imagine how
badly he would have lost if you were actually unbiased.
To the United Nations: Your worst nightmare will
continue for another four years. Deal with it!
To Howard "I Have A Scream" Dean: Stick with something
you understand; like proctology, for instance.
To Richard Holbrooke: Learn to tell a joke. Learn to
laugh at one. Gawd.
To John Zogby: Monster.com will post your resume.
To Maureen Dowd, Paul Krugman, Robert Scheer, and your
minor league imitators, Greg Plast and Mark Morford:
You have no readers in the red states.
To Teddy Kennedy: Sigh, it's still the blonde in the
pond who leads your highlight reel.
To Ron Reagan "Junior": Do you have talent for
anything, other than narrating dog shows?
Nexxxxxxxxxxxxxxt ...?
To the Exit Pollsters: As long as you keep skewing the
results in an attempt to influence the election, we'll keep
lying to you. If you quit, so will we. Deal?
To Osama bin Laden: Bring it on, you sonofabitch.
What's that? The only attack you can muster now is
on videotape? Hmm... No surprise there, I guess.
To Teresa HEINZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ Kerry: Teaching is
a real job, you dingbat! The Teachers Union, who
supported your husband, can clarify any continuing
confusion. Oh, and it's not a "real job" to sleep with
a third-generation ketchup heir and then cash the
plane-crash check.
To the European Union: See message for Michael Moore.
To Terry McAuliffe: S ee message for Dan Rather. And
pay a little attention to what Zell Miller reminds us of: 20
Democratic senators from the south in 1960 and only six
from the GOP. Today, 22 Republicans and four Dems.
To MoveOn.org: See message for George Soros.
To James Carville: You're the only guy who seems to
get it; and you're very smart, even if you are obnoxous.
Good luck finding an audience that's neither medicated
nor mendacious.
And finally, to John Kerry: Thank you for your
interest in national defense. And thank you for
reporting for duty. You are hereby dismissed.
To Michael Moore: Sit down and shut up. And do
something about your hair. And the ball cap.
To Jimmy Carter: Big mistake to sit down next to
Michael Moore at the convention. Spend more time
with drywall and the glue gun. Or start lusting in
your heart again.
To Tom Daschle: If you lean too far to the left,
voters will tend to lean right for a while, but will
eventually push you out of the boat.
To Al Gore: Please, sir, before it's too late: seek an
experienced mental health professional. You're
beginning to make Christopher Lloyd in "Back To
The Future" look downright Rotarian-like.
To Dan Rather: Enjoy your early retirement. The next
memo you get will be real.
To the DNC: Your platform must not have lurched far
enough to the left. Keep it tilting southpaw. Read
more Marx. P.S. Keep insulting the voters with your
moral and intellectual condescension too. It goes well
with that warp-speed registering of folks in plaid wool
blankets pushing shopping carts. Lovely constituency.
To Bill Clinton: Thanks for hitting the campaign trail
for Kerry. Some of us needed a reminder of what we
were trying to avoid.
To Hillary Clinton: PLEASE run in '08. The Heartland
will be hungry for more hors d'oeuvres by then.
To the MTV Kidz: Vote or die - or not. Like, whatever,
dude.
To John "Breck Girl" Edwards: Can you help Michael
Moore and Whoopi Goldberg with a little basic grooming?
To Bruce Springsteen, James Taylor, Bono, etc.: A few
of us still like your music, but if you ever want to sell
another record, just sing and don't go where you don't
know. We don't pay to hear Don Rumsfeld do air guitar
either.
To George Soros: Want to buy an election? Not in *MY*
America, you monomaniacal, socialistic buffoon.
To the Mainstream Media: Congratulations on getting
Kerry at least thirty more electoral votes than he would
have gotten without your covert support. Imagine how
badly he would have lost if you were actually unbiased.
To the United Nations: Your worst nightmare will
continue for another four years. Deal with it!
To Howard "I Have A Scream" Dean: Stick with something
you understand; like proctology, for instance.
To Richard Holbrooke: Learn to tell a joke. Learn to
laugh at one. Gawd.
To John Zogby: Monster.com will post your resume.
To Maureen Dowd, Paul Krugman, Robert Scheer, and your
minor league imitators, Greg Plast and Mark Morford:
You have no readers in the red states.
To Teddy Kennedy: Sigh, it's still the blonde in the
pond who leads your highlight reel.
To Ron Reagan "Junior": Do you have talent for
anything, other than narrating dog shows?
Nexxxxxxxxxxxxxxt ...?
To the Exit Pollsters: As long as you keep skewing the
results in an attempt to influence the election, we'll keep
lying to you. If you quit, so will we. Deal?
To Osama bin Laden: Bring it on, you sonofabitch.
What's that? The only attack you can muster now is
on videotape? Hmm... No surprise there, I guess.
To Teresa HEINZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ Kerry: Teaching is
a real job, you dingbat! The Teachers Union, who
supported your husband, can clarify any continuing
confusion. Oh, and it's not a "real job" to sleep with
a third-generation ketchup heir and then cash the
plane-crash check.
To the European Union: See message for Michael Moore.
To Terry McAuliffe: S ee message for Dan Rather. And
pay a little attention to what Zell Miller reminds us of: 20
Democratic senators from the south in 1960 and only six
from the GOP. Today, 22 Republicans and four Dems.
To MoveOn.org: See message for George Soros.
To James Carville: You're the only guy who seems to
get it; and you're very smart, even if you are obnoxous.
Good luck finding an audience that's neither medicated
nor mendacious.
And finally, to John Kerry: Thank you for your
interest in national defense. And thank you for
reporting for duty. You are hereby dismissed.