PDA

View Full Version : Best Racing Jokes


Mike at A+
07-26-2004, 09:04 AM
The diehard loser, down to his last 50 bucks decides to let it all ride on the late double after getting destroyed in the first 7 races on the card. He has a tip on the #10 horse in the first half going off at 35/1 odds and hooks him up with the odds on favorite in the finale. The race goes off and his horse stalks the pace and makes what looks like a big 4 wide winning move at the top of the stretch. He collars the leader at the 16th pole but the favorite is closing like a shot on the open rail. They're neck and neck down to the wire and it appears that the race will be decided by a head bob in a close photo. The tension is too much for the man to take and with his heartbeat accelerating, he drops to the ground and passes out. A crowd gathers around the man and some guy yelling "clear out, I'm a doctor" muscles his way in. He checks the guy's pulse and furiously rips his shirt open to get his stethescope in to check his heartbeat. As he rips the shirt, the $50 double ticket falls out along with the guy's pencil and program. The doctor scoops up the guy's belongings just as the photo is posted and the 10 horse wins paying $72.00. He listens for a heartbeat and some guy in the crowd yells "Is he alive?" to which the doctor replies "Yeah, but only in the double."

RXB
07-26-2004, 10:46 AM
The Horseplayer's Prayer:

Dear God, please let me break even. I need the money.

**************************************************

Fred is sitting in a movie theatre. In the middle of the movie there is a horse race. Another guy sitting a couple of seats over turns to him and says "Ten bucks, I'll take the four." Fred says, "Okay, I've got the six."

The race runs; the six wins. The other guy pulls out $10 and hands it toward Fred. "No, I can't take your money," says Fred. "This is actually the second time I've seen the movie."

"Take the money," the other guy says. "I've already seen this movie, too. I just thought the four would improve today."

Pace Cap'n
07-26-2004, 11:14 AM
Two seagulls, Gertrude & Heathcliffe, flying over a racetrack......

Gertrude: Look, a horse race!

Heathcliffe: I know, I put everything I had on the five....

TOOZ
07-26-2004, 01:59 PM
The first bet I ever made I put a hundred to win on a horse
that went off at twenty five to one. Unfortunately, all the other horses went off at twelve-thirty.

Jeep
07-26-2004, 04:41 PM
If 50,000 people ran at a racetrack, not one horse would attend.

Mike at A+
07-26-2004, 05:12 PM
Did you know that the racetrack is the only place in the world where windows clean people?

cj
07-26-2004, 05:20 PM
A young jockey and his stable lass girlfriend make the decision to get married. Everything is planned and the couple intend to honeymoon in Italy for a week. The marriage goes without a hitch and the couple set off on their honeymoon. While checking in the lady behind the desk asks 'We have two suites available for you, would you like the bridal?' 'No thanks says the jockey I'll just hold her ears till she gets the hang of it!'

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
- Henny Youngman

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.
- Henny Youngman
***
I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...
- Henny Youngman

kingfin66
07-26-2004, 05:28 PM
Originally posted by cjmilkowski
A young jockey and his stable lass girlfriend make the decision to get married. Everything is planned and the couple intend to honeymoon in Italy for a week. The marriage goes without a hitch and the couple set off on their honeymoon. While checking in the lady behind the desk asks 'We have two suites available for you, would you like the bridal?' 'No thanks says the jockey I'll just hold her ears till she gets the hang of it!'



That is FUNNY!

Suff
07-26-2004, 06:29 PM
I bet the horse at 5-1. He finished at 10 past.

JimG
07-26-2004, 06:46 PM
Q..What's the definition of a dead head?

A..Two touts trying to borrow money off of each other at the same time.



Owner to Trainer: "All you do is give me bad news about my horse. Can't you think of anything positive to say"?

Trainer to Owner: "Well, you've got partners."



Bob: "This is a race for pigs!"
Dave: "Oh yeah? Then how come my wife ain't entered?"





"That last one got me well!"

---Said the man running out of the track to his car with one crutch under his arm.



Jim

Borrowed from the book "The Wrong Horse" by William Murray.

Binder
07-26-2004, 07:26 PM
I'd horsewhip you If I had a horse.

Groucho Marx. Horsefeathers,1932

Hey Jim G
nice choice with the avatar

JimG
07-26-2004, 07:49 PM
Originally posted by Binder


Hey Jim G
nice choice with the avatar

Bind,

I owe it all to you. Thanks alot my friend. PS...your Yahoo site was neat. If I was a Sartinite, I'd dive right in.

Jim

nomadpat
07-26-2004, 09:26 PM
Mitch, a hard-shell Southern Baptist, loved to sneak away to the racetrack.
One day he was there betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt when he noticed this priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse, a very long shot, won the race.
Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th racehorses lined up, and placed his blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.
Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.
Mitch collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and won! Mitch was elated.
As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM and withdrew every penny he owned, and awaited the priest’s blessing that would tell him which horse to place the bet on.
True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses.
Mitch placed his bet—every cent he owned—and watched the horse come in... dead last.
Mitch was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track, and when he found the priest, he demanded, “What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. In the last race, you bless a horse and he loses. Now I’ve lost my life savings, thanks to you!”
The priest nodded wisely and said, “That’s the problem with you Protestants... you can’t tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites.”
:)

John
07-26-2004, 09:43 PM
JOE: How you doing,John

JOHN: How am I doing,Lately, If I bet on a two horse race I would finish 3nd

Tom
07-26-2004, 10:24 PM
The trainer is fed up with his horse, who is winless in three years.
He tells the horse, if you don' thit the board today, you're going to be pulling a milk wagon in the nmorning!
Post time comes and the horse, as usual, breaks badly and is way out of it down the backstretch.
The jock starts whipping and urging the horse, when the nag looks back at him and says,"HEY! Take it easy....I gottaget up early in the morning!"

* * * *
Supposedly, this is a true story. Jorge Velasquez is riding a prfessinal maiden at Aqueduct. This horse has tried every distance from 4.5 furlongs to 9 fulongs and always came up short.
Today, he was in a maiden claimer at 9.5 furlongs. When he finished fourth. Jore told the trainer on the walk back," I tink he need a leetle more deestance...like to Feenger Lakes!"

KingChas
07-27-2004, 12:15 AM
What do you call four losers at the racetrack?
---------drinking buddies

What is the definition of a class handicapper?
--------A functioning alcoholic

Whats the difference between a top jockey and a top thoroughbred?
--------about 12 inches

charleslanger
07-27-2004, 12:44 AM
Whats the difference between a top jockey and a top thoroughbred?
--------about 12 inches:confused: :confused: :confused:
don't get it.......

KingChas
07-27-2004, 12:51 AM
LOL-if I explain i'll get kicked out!
(------)
(------------------)

kingfin66
07-27-2004, 12:59 AM
Originally posted by charleslanger
Whats the difference between a top jockey and a top thoroughbred?
--------about 12 inches:confused: :confused: :confused:
don't get it.......

It is sometimes said that you can judge a man's ______ by the size of his _____. Jockeys aren't exceptionally tall human beings, their feet are small, etc., etc.

Please don't kick me out PA. I tried to be tactful.

KingChas
07-27-2004, 01:09 AM
These are the best racing jokes I've heard.Being the degenerates that we are, if Chas L can't figure it how can the kids?This is all in fun.Better put adult password on your MTV if this bothers you.Go to a church bingo and take an older ladys reserved for her life seat and you will hear worse.(LOL)

charleslanger
07-27-2004, 01:51 AM
Thank you both-- i kinda suspected it, but was like: naw, it can't be that...

btw don't ever get caught near a horse urinating-- or worse, with diarreah... couple of those could've took Afghanistan easily....

KingChas
07-27-2004, 02:14 AM
Originally posted by charleslanger


btw don't ever get caught near a horse urinating-- or worse, with diarreah... couple of those could've took Afghanistan easily.... [/B]

Thats what you call catching a bomb at the racetrack!

betchatoo
07-27-2004, 03:47 AM
A woman, who is sick of having her husband lose the rent money, sends him off to the track with his form and just 2 bucks in his pocket. He loves a couple longshots in the first two races and hits a $1,200 double. The rest of the day he can do no wrong and by the 9th race he's got his bankroll up to $25,000. He decides to bet it all on a nag called "My Lucky Day." The horse breaks last and stays there. He tears up his tickets and goes home. His wife asks him, "How'd you do today, Hon?"
He says, "I blew the deuce."

vito1270
07-27-2004, 10:27 AM
Q & A
Horseplayer #1--I went to the trotters last night. After the 4th race was official, I noticed that #1 won the 1st race-#2 won the second race#3 won the 3rd race and #4 won the 4th race, so i threw the program in the garbage and i played #5 in the 5th race.

Horseplayer #2--Did he win?

Horseplayer #1-- No, he came in 5th.

vito1270
07-27-2004, 10:58 AM
Before simulcasting, this guy used to get up at 5AM take the local subway to downtown Brooklyn to the Long Island depot, buy a
ticket on the Saratoga special. After the races ,back to the special to downtown Brooklyn , back on the subway and finally at about midnite back home just in tome to go to bed.
He did this every day. Finally the ticket clerk at the RR station recognized him and said to him, sir why dont you just buy a round trip ticket and stay as long as you want,this way you wont have to go thru this routine every day. He looked at the clerk and said, WHAT AND BE AWAY FROM MY FAMILY?



vito1270

John
07-27-2004, 12:51 PM
True Story, I have told this before.....Made a joke out of it.

John: TO future Mother-in-law, "I would like to marry your
daughter and become a part of your family.

Mother-in-law: Well, John, "make up your mind, is it going to be the Horses or my family."

John: "can you run 6 furlongs in 1:10."

BillW
07-27-2004, 12:54 PM
Originally posted by rocajack
True Story, I have told this before.....Made a joke out of it.

John: TO future Mother-in-law, "I would like to marry your
daughter and become a part of your family.

Mother-in-law: Well, John, "make up your mind, is it going to be the Horses or my family."

John: "can you run 6 furlongs in 1:10."

Question is Did YOU have to do the 1:10 after that crack? :D :p :D