Real life funnies

[sammy the sage]

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands.

It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.

I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clean clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied.

I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
So, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An older couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
This one had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.




What happens when you predict snow, but don't get any? We had a female news anchor who,
the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!

[sammy the sage]

True story from my dad. Back when he was a young boy growing up on a farm in Alabama in the 40's, often times they would hire local folks to help with picking and weeding their crops, using hoes for most of the work. One day, my grandfather asked my dad to drive across town to pick up 6 or so of the girls aged 15-17 years old his father had scheduled to come over to weed out some rows of crops in a field they owned. Keep in mind it was my grandfather who had made the arrangements, and so they were expecting HIM to come pick them up the next day.

My father was about 14 years old and jumped into the truck and drove over to pick them up. Out in the country back then, driving a truck at 14 years old was no big deal--everyone did it. When he arrived at the house where most of them had gathered on the porch waiting for my grandfather to arrive at the scheduled time, the girls saw this young boy pull up in a truck and park right out in front just waiting and looking at the group. One of the mothers who was waiting out on the porch with them finally asked my father--this 14 year old kid..."can I help you boy? What do you need?"

My father then proceeded to shout to her...."I'm here to pick up the hoers". My dad said the mother's look was shock, who then ushered all the girls inside the house and locked the front door. My dad sat in the truck waiting and honking the horn for several minutes before giving up and leaving. Drove back home and when my grandfather asked him where the workers were, dad told him he went over to the right house and saw a bunch of girls on the porch. He told his father that he let them know he was there to pick up the hoers and they all bolted inside, and that was the last they heard or saw of them.

And THAT is when my father first was explained the difference between "one who hoes" and a whore.

[cj's dad]

I think you are pulling our(my) leg!!

[sammy the sage]

One day I was driving down the highway and got a terrible cramping feeling in my abdomen. The night before I had eaten something for dinner that I knew doesn't always set good with my stomach so I knew it was a bad case of diarrhea fixin to hit me hard. I squeezed my butt cheeks together and started looking for the first restroom I could find. It seemed like forever but I finally came across a McDonalds so I pulled in and carefully walked across the parking lot and straight to the mens room. Luckily this McDonalds had two stalls because one was occupied. As I aproached the stall I noticed a pair of small boys shoes in the other stall. So I went into the vacant stall and all in one motion droped my pants, sat down and released my butt cheeks. It was explosive diarrhea, there was a loud sound of the release of gas and liquid poop from my butt accompanied by a huge splash as it hit the water.

Then the young 7 or 8 year old boy in the other stall spoke up. His comment consisted of just one word, "Cool". I then heard his toilet flush and he quietly got up and walked out the door.

I guess you had to be there to really appreciate the humor.

[sammy the sage]

Do you fart in bed ?
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning
she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in…….............…..”