Taking a woman to bed...

[sammy the sage]

TAKING A WOMAN TO BED

What is the difference between girls/women aged:

8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78 ?

At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.


At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 -- She tells
you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her
story.

At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???

[Tom]

When it comes to women, what is the difference between hope and confidence?

A hopeful man brings a dozen roses with him when he calls on his date.
A confident man brings a dozen eggs.

[sammy the sage]

WHAT WOMEN WANT


Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur .

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered...is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.


And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened



The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?

































Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.


Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.



Now... .what is the moral to this story?

Scroll down















































The moral is.....

If you don't let a woman have her own way....

Things are going to get ugly

[Robert Fischer]

good stuff

[sammy the sage]

1. "Fine"
This is the word women use at the end of any argument when
they feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It
means that you should shut up. (NEVER use "Fine" to describe how she
looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.)

2. "Five minutes"
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your
football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so women
feel that it's an even trade.

3. "Nothing"
"Nothing" means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is
usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn
you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an
argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."

4. "Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows)
This is NOT permission; it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission,
the result will be the woman will get upset over "Nothing" and you'll have
a "Five-minute" discussion that will end with the word "Fine."

5. "Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows)
This is NOT permission, either. It means "I give up" or "do what you
want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in
just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to
you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

6. "Loud Sigh"
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement.
Very frequently misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."

7. "Soft Sigh"
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the
few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily
content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the
moment will last a bit longer.

8. "Oh"
This word -- followed by any statement -- is trouble. Example; "Oh,
let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last
night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the
nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done
tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you
for at least two days.

9. "That's Okay"
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a
man."That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before
deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. "That's
Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a raised
eyebrow "Go Ahead." Once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.

10. "Please Do"
This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the
chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a
chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this
correctly, you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

11. "Thanks"
The woman is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden
meaning. Just say "you're welcome."

12. "Thanks A Lot"
"Thanks A Lot" is dramatically different from "Thanks." A woman will
say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually
followed by the "Loud Sigh." This signifies that you have hurt her in some
callous way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as
she will only tell you "Nothing."

[JustRalph]

I cringe when I see a thread title like this.

Don't get me wrong, I like a good joke as much as anybody.

But we do have some ladies on this board. All who apparently tolerate the majority sex here, quite well considering the ruling subject of horse racing. I still squirm a little though..........

[Grits]

The moral is.....

If you don't let a woman have her own way....

Things are going to get ugly.

No one has ever let me have my own way with any frequency. Such pacifying is for children. However, some of us have earned respect.. which is better. For smart, successful women, if disregarded and not shown respect? Yes, we may have a problem.

Sammy, your stories and jokes have made me laugh because I know much of it is bull. I will, though, give you one piece of honest advice to remember.

Never lie to a woman. Ever. You ain't seen ugly until you've lied to one and she knows you're lying.

[sammy the sage]

I cringe when I see a thread title like this.

Don't get me wrong, I like a good joke as much as anybody.

But we do have some ladies on this board. All who apparently tolerate the majority sex here, quite well considering the ruling subject of horse racing. I still squirm a little though..........

I don't think you're giving the women who post/read here enough credit...

[dkithore]

There is a lot of wisdom in the witch's advise. A secret to happy relationships.

Thanks for posting it.

[sammy the sage]

I will, though, give you one piece of honest advice to remember.

Never lie to a woman. Ever. You ain't seen ugly until you've lied to one and she knows you're lying.

Interesting you should write that...the couple of women that I was (no, not at same time ;) ) in a long term relationship w/I treated like queens...or even when 1st dating or short term...am the TRUE nice guy...and then get STEPPED on...

The assholes, liars, and cheats seemed to DO much better...not just short term either...

Unfortunately I won't change...so whilst I've actually personally followed your advice...it don't always work...

You know...like in school the girls always went for the pricks...mentally as well... :D ...can laugh about it in hind sight...

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I've found that one has to laugh at the same jokes...or...it won't work...no matter how hard you try...
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So if any women posting/reading here don't like the jokes posted...guess we won't be dating anytime soon :lol: