Comic Relief

[Ocala Mike]

BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is a question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.
...
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs
heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which
they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct.....
....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting
"Oh my God."
This chemistry student got an A+.

[HUSKER55]

:lol: :lol: THANK YOU FOR THE POST!

[sammy the sage]

The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.

RANCHER: Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.

AGENT: That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.

RANCHER: That would be me

[Actor]

BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is a question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.
...
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs
heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which
they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct.....
....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting
"Oh my God."
This chemistry student got an A+.

This story has been around since 1965.
It took place at Oklahoma State, not the University of Arizona.
I'm the kid who got the A+.

[Rookies]

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, ..... but all men...are men!

Global Facts About = Sex

At any given moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old geezer is reading emails.

You hang in there, sunshine

[johnhannibalsmith]

... she stripped from the neck down...

Damn, she left her hat and glasses on?

[Actor]

Damn, she left her hat and glasses on?I don't know. I wasn't looking at that part of her.

[Ocala Mike]

I bet she rolled a pair!

[sammy the sage]

An elderly lady was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years. Clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names."

The elderly lady hung her head, "I have to tell you the truth," she said, "his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old bastard what his name is."
.................................................. .................................................. ....

Some insurance agents are better with words then most lawyers

A man and his wife, moved back home to West Virginia from Ohio .. The husband had a wooden leg, and to insure it back in Ohio cost them $2000 per year!

When they arrived in West Virginia , they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said: $39.00.

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in West Virginia to insure it because it cost him $2000 in Ohio !

The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system above it, is $39.00 .. You just have to know how to describe it!

[HUSKER55]

:lol:

[plainolebill]

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."



Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
 She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.


She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked:


"Will I be acquitted?"


-------------------------------------------------------

Four guys have been going on the same golf trip for 20+ years.
This year, Ralph's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. And thus he calls his buddies and tells them the bad news.

Two days later, the 3 other guys arrive at the resort to begin their yearly golf getaway. And of all things, they find Ralph sitting there with his clubs already set up on his cart.

"Whoa Ralphie boy, how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
"Well, yesterday evening, after my wife finished reading "Fifty Shades Of Gray," she pulled me into our bedroom.

On the bed she had handcuffs and ropes.
She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did."
Then she said, "Do whatever you want."

[HUSKER55]

:lol: :lol:

[TJDave]

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, ..... but all men...are men!


"Seamus, America's a wonderful country. They've got bars there where you can drink all night...FOR FREE!, then you can go upstairs and have sex with as many different people as you want...and it's ALL FOR FREE!"

"So, Sean, You've been to America, then?"

"No, but me sister has."

[thaskalos]

HEAVEN is:

Where the police are British,
The cooks French,
The mechanics Germans,
The lovers Greeks,
And it's all organized by the Swiss.

HELL is:

Where the cooks are British,
The mechanics French,
The lovers Swiss,
The police Germans,
And it's all organized by the Greeks.

[sammy the sage]

On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week or so later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.


A few days later they were again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?" Then with the love and understanding that all long-married husbands possess, he replied, "Why don't you just leave the f...... car in the garage this time?"

[sammy the sage]

Lars died in a fire and his body was burned very badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two buddies, Ole and Sven.

The three men were inseparable as they had morning coffee together, hunted and fished together

and shared a hunting camp.

Ole arrived first, and when the coroner pulled back the sheet, Ole said, 'Vell, his face is burnt up

pritty bad. You better roll him over.'

The coroner rolled him over and Ole said, 'Nope, ain't Lars.

The coroner thought this was rather strange. So he brought Sven in to confirm the identity of the body.

Sven looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over...

'The coroner rolled him over and Sven said, 'No, dat sure ain't Lars'

The coroner asked, 'How can you tell?' Sven said, 'Vell, Lars had two assholes.'

'What? He had two assholes?' asked the coroner.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody in town would say: “Der goes dat Lars wit' dem two assholes.'

[Tom]

:lol::lol::lol: Spit out my tasty Westrock!

[sammy the sage]

Jew and an Arab go into a bakery. The Arab steals 3 pastries and puts them in his pocket. He says to the Jew, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see anything!"

The Jew says to the Arab, "I am going to show you there is nobody better than a Jew!"

He goes to the owner and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.' Intrigued, the owner accepts and give him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew asks for another one and swallows it just the same.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and says, "What did you do with the pastry? Are you trying to fool me?"
The Jew answers, "Look in the Arab's pocket."

.................................................. .................................................. .....

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
you one wish..'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

God replied: 'Do you want two lanes or four on that bridge?'\

.................................................. .................................................. ...

Wife - "Where the hell have you been? You said you'd be done with golf by noon!"

Husband - "I'm so sorry Honey...but you probably don't want to hear the reason."

Wife - "I want the truth, and I want it NOW!"

Husband - "Fine. We finished in under 4 hours, quick beer in the Clubhouse, I hopped in the car, and would have been here at 12 on the Button. On the way home, I spotted a girl half our age struggling with a flat tire. I changed it in a jiffy, and next she's offering me money. Of course I refused it - Then she tells me she was headed to the bar at the Sheraton - and begs me to stop so she can buy me a beer. She's such a sweetie, I said yes. Before you know it - one beer turned to three or four, and I guess we were looking pretty good to each other. Then she tells me she has a room at the Sheraton less than 50 steps from our table. She suggested we get some privacy while pulling me by the hand. Now I'm in her room....clothes are flying ......the talking stopped....and we proceeded to have sex in every way imaginable. It must have gone on for hours, because before I know it the clock says 5:30. I jumped up, threw my clothes on, ran to the car, and here I am. There. You wanted the truth....you got it."

Wife - "Bullsh!t. You played 36 holes, didn't you!"

[Dave Schwartz]

I just cannot believe that I missed this entire thread until now!

These were great, guys!

More, please.

:ThmbUp: :ThmbUp:

[Ocala Mike]

Glad I started it. These are good!

[sammy the sage]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but
then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're
not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and
put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked
over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw
that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'


The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

.................................................. .................................................. .......
Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon
entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have
sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love
to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons
into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

.................................................. .................................................. .......
Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest
and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the
poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an
animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and
there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for
the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough
to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya
tell me the dog was Catholic?

.................................................. .................................................. ......
Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'
.................................................. .................................................. .......
Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked
up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex
with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!'

.................................................. .................................................. ...
Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a
young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and
asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

.................................................. .................................................. .
Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting
senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not
senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip
down.'
.................................................. .................................................. .......
Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a
pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the
bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed
him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the
bedroom discovered the man in the closet.'Who are you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man
replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'
.................................................. .................................................. .......

Marriage Humor

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriagecertificate for an
hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

-------------------------------

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

--------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles
and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or
troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------------------------
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to
give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my
father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER
WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

------------------------------------------------------------
Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the
head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied,'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny
on it that I found in your pants pocket.

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week,Jenny was the name
of the horse I bet on.'

The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later
the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an
even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

[sammy the sage]

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Les's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Les's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you 200.'

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2PM. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Les's house at 2PM. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of 200 - they went to the bedroom, and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Les came home from golf at 6pm. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you 200?'

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, Well, yes, in fact he did give me 200.

Les, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed 200 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player.

[Ocala Mike]

Too funny!

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[sammy the sage]

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds , had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

********************************************
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.

"Come on, what day was I born"?

I said, “Yesterday."
********************************************

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
********************************************
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

[sammy the sage]

Good medical advice from the Jewish sages of old...


1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, but it's harmful if done every day.

2. F***ing relaxes your mind and body.

3. F***ing refreshes you.

4. After f***ing, don't eat too much; go for more liquids.

5. Try f***ing in bed 'cause it can save your valuable energy.

6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol levels.




SO - REMEMBER ..


Fasting is good for your health

and may God cleanse your dirty mind.. :D
__________________

[sammy the sage]

Piece of Cake

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'm gonna go play in my room for a couple of hours. I sure would like a piece of cake after though!

Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Wow!, it worked!"

Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"

Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing first!"

[sammy the sage]

The human body has 7 trillion nerves.......my wife manages to get on every f#*king one of them.
————————————————————————————

I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. They're brilliant...It makes the wife look like she’s actually moving during sex…
————————————————————————————
My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate. I was so shocked I almost tripped over my dick.
————————————————————————————
I went to the doctor’s office the other day and found out that my new doctor is young female and drop dead gorgeous.
I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don't worry, I am a professional – I've seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I'll check it out.
I said, “My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny”
————————————————————————————
I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal.
Dyslexic bitch , it turns out that she loves Alan, my best friend……
————————————————————————————
A guy is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells, “Don't enter that church, you damn fool !!!”
His wife asks him, “What are you watching?”
Husband replies, “Our bloody wedding video”
————————————————————————————
Life is like a penis....Soft and hanging freely....It’s women that make it hard
————————————————————————————
I said to the wife, “Get me a newspaper”
“Don't be silly,” she said “You can borrow my iPad”
That spider never knew what f#*king hit it.
———————————————————————–
I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform but she says she doesn't like it.
She says that it makes her sleepy and her ass sore.

[sammy the sage]

An Observation on an Age Old Question

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful
than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I
have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby;
and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.
Time for another beer.

[Tom]

The swallows came back to Capistrano yesterday.
We know this because they tweeted.

[Magister Ludi]

The swallows came back to Capistrano yesterday.
We know this because they tweeted.

The sad part is that they had that bird disease - chirpes.
It's a canareal disease.
Good news though - it's tweetable.

[Tom]

Obama returned to the White House after his visit to the Middle East.
He had a pot belly pig with him, a gift from an Israeli farmer.

The SS guard at the door looked at the pig with surprise, so Obama explained, I got it for Michelle!"

The SS guard replied, "Nice trade, sir!"

[sammy the sage]

The Room Mate

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered,
“I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just
roommates."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
“Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
your son.

Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and
I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
Love,
Mom.

[sammy the sage]

Perks of being over 60 or 70, or beyond!


1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.


2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.


3. No one expects you to run -- anywhere.


4. People call at 9 PM (or 9 AM) and ask, 'Did I wake you?'


5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.


6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.


7. Things you buy now will never wear out.


8. You can eat supper at 4 PM.


9. You can live without sex, but not without your glasses.


10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.


11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.


12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.


13. You sing along with elevator music.


14. Your eyes won't get much worse.


15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.


16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.


17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.


18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.


19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING:

Never, NEVER, NEVER , under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill, and a laxative on the same night!

[sammy the sage]

An old classic...

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat,
and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in
this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall
live in America , we might as well do as the
Americans do."

As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling,
"Hot Dogs, get your dogs here," and they both
walk towards the hot dog cart.

"Two dogs, please!," says one. The vendor
is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs
in foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'

The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush,
and then after staring at it for a moment, leans to the other
Nun and in a soft brogue whispers.
"What part did you get?

[sammy the sage]

Why I Mow My Own Yard
Lee Trevino: a true story, you gotta love him.



One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee
Trevino, a professional golfer and married man, was at his
home in Dallas , Texas,mowing his front lawn, as he always did.

A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front
of his house, lowered the window and asked, “Excuse me, do
you speak English?"

Lee responded, “Yes Ma'am, I do."

The lady then asked, “What do you charge to do yard work?”

Lee said, "Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her."

The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off

[sammy the sage]

The Medical School Entrance Exam:

When I was young, my intent was to go to medical school, but I was confused by the entrance exam.

The deciding question was, "Re-arrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect."

Those who spelled SPINE became doctors. The rest are in Congress.

[sammy the sage]

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely i can't look that old?
Well .. . . You'll love this one........

My name is mary , and i was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.
I noticed his dds diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.


Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought.


This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.


After he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended morgan park high school .
Yes. Yes, i did. I'm a mustang,' he gleamed with pride.


When did you graduate?' i asked.


He answered, 'in 1975. Why do you ask?'

you were in my class!', i exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.


Then, that ugly,


old,


balding,


wrinkled faced,


fat-assed,


gray-haired,


decrepit,
miserable,


son-of-a-bitch


asked...

"what did you teach ?

[Tom]

A woman goes into an ice cream parlor. She walks up to the man at the counter and says, "I'd like some chocolate ice cream, please." "I'm sorry, madam," says the man, "but I'm afraid we're out of chocolate." "Oh," says the woman. "In that case I'll have some chocolate." So the man says, "No, no, madam. You don't understand. We have run out of chocolate." "Oh," replies the woman. "Then I'll just have chocolate."

The man behind the counter looks at the lady and says, "OK, spell 'van,' as in 'vanilla.'" So, the woman spells "V-A-N."

"All right," says the ice cream man, "spell 'straw,' as in 'strawberry. '" The woman says, "OK. S-T-R-A-W."

"Good!" says the man. "Now spell 'f,' as in 'chocolate.' " The woman looks at the man and says, "But there's no f'in 'chocolate.' " The man shouts, "That's what I've been trying to tell you, lady!!!"

[Tom]

They found a new form of Bird Flu.
It's called Chirppies.
So far, it is not tweetable.

[plainolebill]

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all girl biker bar by mistake..
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,
Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

[HUSKER55]

:lol:

[sammy the sage]

The Last Nickel


A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.


Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.


A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.


Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.


Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.


As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "


"No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."

[Tom]

Dangerous products:

A guy used Tag Away and his head disappeared.
A guy used odor eaters, took three steps and vanished.

Times are tough:

So tough I can only afford to rock or roll.
So tough the local sheriff can only protect or serve.

[senortout]

read caption

[Tom]

A missionary was working deep in South America in the Amazon rain forest. He was teaching one of the natives to speak English, so he got a canoe and he and the student went paddling down the river. As the missionary saw events on the shore, he pointed to them and described them in English.

"Look, man pick fruit. Fruit."
"Look, man cut wood. Wood."
"Look, man dig hole. Hole"

Then they came upon a couple of natives having sex in the bushes. Not knowing what to do, the missionary pointed and said "Look, man riding bike."

The native looked, drew an arrow, and shot the other native man in the back. Then he pointed and said to the missionary,

"Man riding bike. MY bike!"

[ldiatone]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a ...case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.


'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of ...face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'

HUSBAND DOWN, AISLE 7 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Tom]

'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Actor]

Amish man drives his buggy into town. Sees a new sign. "Speed 35 MPH" Whips his horse on the rump and shouts "Come on Myrna. You can do it if you really try!"

[Tom]

What do Amish girls want?
Two Mennonite.

[myhorse1]

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, “What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says,"Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother

[Actor]

"I'd have liked to have gone to bed with Jean Harlow. She was a beautiful broad. The fellow who married her was impotent and he killed himself. I would have done the same thing." -- Groucho Marx

[TJDave]

The United States government charged former intelligence analyst Edward Snowden with spying on Friday.

At a press conference to discuss the accusations, an N.S.A. spokesman surprised observers by announcing the spying charges against Mr. Snowden.

“These charges send a clear message,” the spokesman said. “In the United States, you can’t spy on people.”

The spokesman went on to discuss another charge against Mr. Snowden—the theft of government documents: “The American people have the right to assume that their private documents will remain private and won’t be collected by someone in the government for his own purposes.”

“Only by bringing Mr. Snowden to justice can we safeguard the most precious of American rights: privacy,” added the spokesman.

[Tom]

Knock knock.
"Who's there?"
"Barack Obama."

[Tom]

Knock knock.

[Tom]

Knock knock

[plainolebill]

http://i22.photobucket.com/albums/b318/plainolebill/Sensitivityexercise.gif (http://s22.photobucket.com/user/plainolebill/media/Sensitivityexercise.gif.html)

[myhorse1]

A Professor was teaching about human behavior.

I will demonstrate the 3 levels of getting a person out of his calm.
The Prof dialed a random number, when a man answered, the Prof asked: “May I speak to Jimmy please?”
The man answered politely: “ There is no Jimmy here, you must have the dialed the wrong number” and he hung up.

This has slightly unnerved the man, said the Prof. Second level said the Prof and dialed the same number again.
When the man answered, the Prof asked again: “ May I speak to Jimmy please?”. “I already told you sir, there is no Jimmy here.
Check your number.” And he slammed the phone down. You see said the Prof, now the man is really nervous since I disturbed his peace.

And now to level 3 said the Prof as he dialed the number for the 3d time. : “ May I speak to Jimmy please?”
The really mad man yelled: “ Sir this is the third time you are asking For Jimmy, I told you that there is no Jimmy here, leave me alone
And don’t call anymore!!” and he slammed the phone.
You see said the Prof. These are the three levels of destroying one’s day and cause him to lose his cool.


One of the students raised his hand and said: “ I am sorry Prof. I think you missed the decisive level 4.”
Are you sure?, asked the Prof. Yes I am, said the student who picked up the phone and dialed the same number again.
When the man answered, the student said: “ Hi This is Jimmy, was someone looking for me???”

[HUSKER55]

:lol:

[Valuist]

In light of the recent BART strike and the Giants getting no-hit last night by Homer Bailey, who'd have thought that the town of San Francisco would be brought to its knees by Homer and Bart?

[Tom]

Ay caramba!

D'oh!

[sammy the sage]

One day Little Johnny's mother was cleaning his room. In the closet she found an S&M bondage magazine. This was highly upsetting to her.

She hid the magazine until his father got home. When Johnny's father got home from work she irrately handed him the magazine.

"This is what I found in your son's closet."

He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.

"Well, what should we do about this," she demanded.

He looked at her and replied.

"Well, I don't think you should spank him."

[Actor]

Father: How was school today?

Son: Not so good.

Father: What's the problem?

Son: I can't remember the teacher's names. I'm embarrassed to ask what their name is.

Father: I used to have the same problem. I would just ask if they spelled their name with an "i" or an "e". That usually works and it's not as embarrassing.

Son: I'll try it.

The next day the father gets a call from the school principal.

Father: What happened?

Principal: He asked his teacher whether she spelled her name with an "i" or an "e".

Father: What's her name?

Principal: Hill.

[sammy the sage]

Lena went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

Lena thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

Lena was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and Lena were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, Ole, came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Ole."

[sammy the sage]

A woman was feeling neglected by her husband and thought she might take advantage of a young thing at the shopping centre.

She got her groceries packed up and asked that the hunk push her trolley out to the car for her.

As they were heading down the aisle, she said in a low voice, “I’ve got an itchy pussy”, to which he replied, “You’ll have to point it out to me, Lady. These Japanese cars all look the same to me.”

[magwell]

A wife treats her hubby by taking him to a Strip Club for his birthday. At the club the doorman says," Hi Billy, how are you?"
The wife asks, " How does he know you? " Billy's says, " Oh dear, I know him from the race track." Inside the bartender says, " The usual, Billy ?" Billy says to his wife, " Before you say anything, he's on the dart team !!
Next a stripper says. " Hey Billy ! Do you crave the special again ?? The Wife storms out dragging Billy behind her and jumps into a taxi. The taxi driver says. " Heyy, Billy Boy ! ' You sure picked up an ugly one this time...."

Billy's funeral is on Friday !!!

[magwell]

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. However, in a recent linguistic conference held in London , England , and attended by some of the best linguists in the world: Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner.
His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between
COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.
Here is his astute answer:
"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.
But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"

His answer was received with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes!

[Steve 'StatMan']

A little old very catholic lady was getting lonely, and decided maybe a pet parrot would help keep her company.

She went to the pet store, where the clerk says, "I have just the pet for you! This parrot has been trained to say prayers when either of his legs are lifted." The clerk raises up the left leg, and the parrot says, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name." The lady is impressed. The clerk then raises the right leg, and the parrot says, "Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee." The lady is completely enamored with the parrot, buys it, and brings it home.

As she is admiring the bird at home, she raises it's left leg, the bird again begins the Our Father prayer. She sighs a happy sigh. She raises the parrot's right leg, and the bird begins the "Hail Mary" prayer. She sighs again in bliss.

Then the lady thinks to herself, "Gee, I wonder what happens if I lift up both of the parrot's legs." She does so, and the parrot squawks, "Awk! Jezzus Chryst Lady! What the hell do you want me to do! Fall on my fricking ass!"

-----

Sorry for a bit blue, but remembering the other parrot joke, this came out.

[sammy the sage]

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.

The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.

"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."

[sammy the sage]

glass of wine



To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine and those who don't and are always

seen with a bottle of water in their hand:



As Ben Franklin said:

In wine there is wisdom,

In beer there is freedom,

In water there is bacteria.



In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than

1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop annually.



However,

We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.



Remember:

Water = Poop,

Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of $hit.

[HUSKER55]

ON THE UPSIDE WE NOW KNOW WHO THE NONDRINKERES ARE ON THIS BOARD:lol:

[Steve 'StatMan']

What I Learned From My Bull


I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him

out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I

was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.

Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was

very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills

to feed him once per day.

The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even

broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like

a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ..........

but they kind of taste like peppermint.